Atoms in the Universe
by IseultLaBelle
Summary: A series of missing moments the current Alicia storyline, following Ethan and Alicia. Starts right after Eddie calls the ambulance in the series finale.
1. Chapter 1

"Alicia? Alicia come on, don't be like this, please…"

 _Close your eyes. Close your eyes and just breathe, block him out, forget everything because he's a doctor, no matter what else he might be he's a doctor and he's the only one here right now to help you, he's a professional, this became work in an instant and he'll respond to it as work, he will, he won't… not now, not with an ambulance on its way, he wouldn't go there, of course he wouldn't, trust him, let him help… pressure, just pressure…_

"No!" The scream she unleashes is not her own, the strange, unfamiliar voice of a woman in utter crisis, out of control, afraid. "No, no…!" She tenses, back arches and it hurts, god it hurts, but she can't, she just can't, she has to make him understand.

She can't let him near her. She knows she should, knows what this is, she knew it before she hit the ground because there's only one place in her arm that would gush like this, she hasn't lost it completely, not yet. She's cold… shock, must be shock, she knows how this goes from training, nights spent in medical school hunched over textbooks during late night library sessions and pre-exam panic cramming sessions, from two years on the front line of an A and E department. It's shock… it must be shock, and perhaps it's affecting her clarity but this isn't clarity, this is instinct, fight or flight and flight isn't an option, she doesn't need to attempt any further to know her body simply will not let her stand and stagger away and so fight it's going to have to be, whatever is left in her and however long it takes because she can't have him near her again, she can't…

She'll take her chances waiting for the paramedics to arrive over letting Eddie near her.

"Alicia, your arm, I need to…"

"No!" She squeezes her eyes shut, shakes her head, struggles against the heavy numbness of limbs that no longer feel like her own, cold, dull, deadweight. She can't face looking up at him, she can't do it, not all the while he's towering over her and she's vulnerable all over again, it's the same, it's happening again and she can't, she can't…

"Alicia, if I don't do this…"

"Just get me…" She struggles to think, head throbbing, where is she, what does she have on hand, what can she use, anything… "Tea towel," she manages at last. "Bottom drawer, left… oven…"

"Okay, okay…" For a few blissful moments he's gone, and she's safe, bleeding out, alone, cold, but she's safe; Alicia doesn't fail to appreciate the irony there. She's safe, and then his footsteps are back on the patio slabs and he's there, he's looming over her again and she can't stand it, she can't…

"Alicia? Alicia, just let me help, it's going to be a few minutes before…"

 _No, no, no, no, no, not again, not like this, please no._

"No! No, please…!"

She's protesting because it's all she can do, and yet what point is there when she knows that word is one he doesn't understand, one he doesn't respect?

"Just let me help you sit up, we need to get you moved, the glass…"

And then his hands are on her shoulders and reality morphs into nightmare, so rapidly that no part of her can distinguish between the nightmare playing out now and the one that's over, over and finished, except for the nights when it haunts her, unfolds all over again in her dreams until sleep becomes a fear, a punishment, because she must have done something, god knows what but she's done something to deserve this, that blog, Ethan, something, something she's paying for now and it won't go away, why won't it go away?

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Her voice is hoarse and unrecognisable, panicked, a frightened animal.

She's so startled, so taken aback by the violent explosion of fear and anger and hatred and resignation and more she can't even put into words erupting from within her that she shocks herself back to reality, eyes snap open and he's retreating, steps backward towards the empty space where her French doors once stood, throws the tea towel down beside her and she flinches, recoils, as it lands with a soft thud against her wrist.

"Fine," Eddie retorts angrily. "Fine, you want to make it worse, you go and do that. That's fine. I'm not a monster, Alicia, I want to help you…"

"I don't… need your help." She's crying, she realises now; it's taken her until now to realise she's crying, gasping, and Alicia knows deep down it's not her airways, it's the pain, it's the pain combined with the fear and the shock and the emotions of today, how quickly and violently Eddie has turned her world upside down all over again, another trail of his destruction she's going to have to drag herself back from the brink of and she can't do it, she doesn't want to, she's too tired to begin to fight this all over again. "Just stay away, please…"

It takes everything she has left to heave herself upright. Her right arm is useless, not even worth attempting, so her left pushes against the stone of her garden patio but it buckles, and then there's pain, shooting pains up her arm and shit… shit… She rolls, desperate, desperate to force herself up to a seating position before Eddie tries to help her again, rolls onto her side and there's a horrible crunching, the shattering of glass, and her side burns and she knows what's happened, but what was the alternative?

Accepting Eddie's help is not an alternative.

She's too far gone down the path of crippling fear for that.

 _Engage. Grip with your abdominal muscles, you can do this, don't think about him. He's not here, he's not here if you block him out, forget him… Push him out, Alicia. Push him out…_

Somehow, she manages to force herself up into a seated position, sways, head spinning, throws her left hand out in a half-hearted effort to steady herself and then pain, more pain, pain rushing through her palm, shit…

 _Breathe. Breathe, Alicia. Just breathe._

With her left hand, bloodied, newly glass-filled, she fumbles, gingerly lifts the tea towel, hunched over exhausted, vision blurred. She can't angle her left arm, can barely grip, struggles to prop her wrist against her chest, she can't reach, shit…

"Alicia, come on, this is ridiculous…"

"No…" Her voice is even less like her own this time, frightened, weak, devoid even of the fight of just a few moments ago. "I'm okay, I'm okay…" She twists, struggles, settles on manoeuvring her right arm towards her left if her elbow is really too far gone to be of any use here, winces, for the first time able to assess the damage.

 _Brachial artery, Alicia, brachial, think… pressure, it needs pressure, you're going to have to grin and bear it until the paramedics here if you can't get your head around… no, no, not going there again, that isn't an option, no, no no no no no not again, not him, no, no…_

 _Pressure. It needs pressure, pressure until the paramedics arrive and they can tourniquet it, just for a few minutes. Breathe, just breathe, hold it together and he won't come near you, just a few more minutes, you can hold him off… breathe…_

Her heart pounds in her chest, and she cries out in pain, gasps, weak, exhausted, torn between the pain she knows she'll inflict upon herself if she continues applying pressure and the pain that's going to come later, take her slowly, drawn out, if she doesn't man up and bear this now.

 _Push down, Alicia. Just a few more minutes. It's just like in training. It's like training, block out the pain, don't think about it…_

And then it all hits her, out of nowhere, as though the shock and the adrenaline and the pain and the panic has delayed it all until now, stopped her processing, but now her head is clearer, still so hazy, thoughts distorted but she can make sense of it all a little and it hits her, it's like that night all over again, the realisation the next morning, she can't…

He attacked her.

He threw her through the window, she's here now, hunched over on the patio, disorientated, weakly applying pressure against a brachial artery injury that's her own with an arm that may or may not be dislocated that's her own trying to coach herself through it in her head as though it's another patient, as though it's training, as though it's anything that distracts her from the grim reality of this mess because the truth is too much for her to handle right now and she needs to focus, pressure, she needs to keep at it with the pressure…

He attacked her. She was stupid, she should never have invited him in but she thought it was it, case closed, no chance of the police taking it any further after that god damned video. She thought it was her only chance to get some kind of justice, the closest thing she could achieve without the formalities of a court room and a crown prosecutor, just wanted to tell him what she really thought of him, get it out, finally tell him how she really felt that night, all the signs he missed, didn't want to see in his blind animalistic pursuit of what he wanted, no consideration for what she wanted and what she made so clear she didn't, nothing…

Shit, shit…

She can't do this. She can't do it, she can't, he attacked her, he refused to see it from her perspective just like she knew he would but she never imagined this, wouldn't have thought him capable of this, as stupid as it might sound. He's a rapist, yes, but that's a different kind of violence somehow in her head, or perhaps she just didn't want to admit it to herself, perhaps this is just another example of her dire attempts at self-preservation.

He could still be a danger to her now.

Alicia shudders, whimpers, presses down, regrets it, lost in that vicious cycle of pain and despair and more pain and fear, because it's going to get worse, she knows it is, it's hopeless, the fight within her is just gone…

What if he loses it with her again, she did a bad enough job of defending herself this first time around, she hasn't got the strength to cope with another attack, she can't, she's so tired, she just wants to sleep.

She can feel him on her, she can smell him. He's metres from her, hovering in her kitchen listening out for the doorbell, but she can smell him, and it's in her head, she knows it's in her head, knows it because she's been able to smell him lingering everywhere ever since that night, can't shake it, blocks it out just about when there's something pressing to focus upon and so she can just about struggle her way through a shift, can hold them off during the daytime because there's always something she can do, some kind of distraction, but as soon as she tries to sleep it takes over her again, dominant, unbearably so at the forefront of her mind and it's like that now, it's there, it's just there no matter how she tries to block it out and she can't overcome it, she can still feel him, he's smothering her, pinning her down but he's cowering in the corner of her kitchen, how can he be so real when he's distant, how…

And then the doorbell rings and Eddie is racing down the hallway, and at last, Alicia can breathe again.

 **This is my first attempt at writing for a while, and my second time ever writing for Casualty and my first was so terrible I deleted it a long time ago, but this has been in my head since last week's** **episode** **and I finally decided to try to write it down today. This was originally going to be a oneshot, but now I'm kind of tempted to work it into a series of missing moments from Alicia and Ethan's perspectives going into the new series. (Hence the title, if I'm going to make this an Alicia/Ethan oneshot, it has to have this title).**

 **Reviews would be amazing, please do let me know if you want me to continue.**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Alright. Yes, of course, understood." She places the phone down carefully, controlled, takes a moment to breathe, allow this latest revelation to sink in before she'll have to deal with the fallout of it all. She knows Ethan will corner her the moment she steps away from the phone, badgering her for news, knows he's not yet forgiven her for refusing to allow him to attend the scene and most likely won't until Alicia is back here, safe, recovering.

She made the right call. She couldn't have had him attend, it would have been completely inappropriate, he would have made a beeline for Alicia the moment he stepped out of the ambulance and never mind assessing the scene, prioritising, he would have been by her side and straight back in the ambulance with her, personally escorting her back to the ED and rendering the paramedics glorified taxi drivers, and then what would be the point of sending a doctor out to assist at the scene in the first place?

Connie Beauchamp knows full well it was the right decision, but she also knows better than to expect Ethan to go along with it willingly.

"Was that an update?" Predictably, Ethan is on her heels immediately as she sweeps away from the phone station, searching, intent. "Was that from the scene, do we know…?"

"Dr Hardy, when I have an update I can assure you you'll be the first to know."

"Then…"

"If you want to do something useful, you can find Charlie for me, and then you can start clearing cubicles and shifting patients upstairs, we're going to need space."

"No, no I can't do that, Alicia…"

"You won't be treating Dr Munroe, you've made it quite clear your professionalism would be compromised."

"Mrs Beauchamp…" She can hear the protest in his voice already, knows he would be accepting her decision without a fight but her mind is made up and she won't be explaining to him her reasoning.

This isn't about Ethan. It's about Alicia's privacy, and well-intentioned or not, Connie is not prepared to stand by and allow Ethan to blunder his way in and add to her distress.

"You're going to clear cubicles, Dr Hardy, I won't tell you again. Now, please."

He glares at her, pointed, frustrated, but he obliges, rushes off towards cubicles just as she concludes her search.

"Charlie!" Connie beckons him over, shoots a stare at Robyn and the huddle of off-duty nurses by the admin desk, intends to make it absolutely clear that they are to stay well away from this conversation. "Charlie, I've just had a call from the police, I need a forensic nurse on standby, please. And preferably someone from the rape crisis team, can you arrange that?"

She trusts he'll know where she's going with this, infer enough to understand.

"Of course." Charlie frowns at her. "The police called from the RTC?"

"What? No, no, no update from the RTC yet. No, I've had a call from the police station. Dr McAllister broke the conditions of his bail this evening. We're still waiting for word from the RTC but all things considered, I want Dr Gardner with me in resus. Dr Hardy can take whatever else comes in first. And I need female nurses, please. As a precaution."

She doesn't bother to wait for him to put two and two together, to pick up on her suspicions as to the circumstances of Alicia's 999 call, before she's back down the corridor towards resus, calm exterior, inside the adrenaline kicking in, prepared for war as the emergency radio in her hand buzzes with an update.

"3004 to Control, leaving the scene now. Twenty-eight-year-old female, involved in RTC en route to Holby ED with massive blood loss following a fall through a window. ETA 10 minutes, over."

Too late, Connie notices Ethan frozen ahead of her in the corridor.

"Was… was that…?"

"You know as much as I do, Dr Hardy, we don't have time for this."

"Please, I need to be in resus, I need to…"

"Dr Gardner will be taking Alicia, and that is final. You can wait for the second crew, take Dr Masum with you, this isn't up for debate. Dr Garner." Elle emerges from the staffroom, finally, as she turns the corner. "Dr Gardner I need you in resus now, I want you to take this first one, please. Patient had been picked up by an ambulance crew prior to the RTC, massive blood loss reported at original scene so let's prep for…"

"Alicia." Ethan's tone is growing increasingly panicked. "It's Alicia."

Elle's expression softens.

"We don't know that yet," Connie tries, but Ethan shakes his head. "You said Iain and Ruby were bringing in Alicia, what are the chances of two ambulances being involved in the RTC? Please, let me treat her…"

"3007 to Control, departing the scene now. We've got a young woman fallen from a height, facial fracture, breathing compromised, full trauma team required on standby, over."

"Surely it makes more sense for me to take the facial fracture, Connie?" Elle suggests, and Connie groans internally because of course she doesn't know, she's been on leave, how could she know?

She's blissfully unaware of her well-intended sabotage of Connie's carefully crafted plan to ensure her a female doctor, just in case.

"She's right, she's more experienced," Ethan pipes up. He's desperately latching onto this, this new opportunity to change Connie's mind, as he sees it, and she knows it only too well, knows this isn't going to be a fight she will win now it's become clear the second patient en route is a facial fracture. "Elle's specialised in this, I know the theory, but with a severe case surely it's more appropriate if…"

She hasn't got time to argue with them about this.

She hasn't the time, and deep down, she knows Elle and Ethan are right.

Regardless of her suspicions, of the possibility that the worst happened earlier this evening when Eddie broke his bail and turned up on Alicia's doorstep and her determination to ensure she has a female doctor upon arrival in resus, Connie can't deny that allocating to Elle the facial fracture is the only logical decision.

Ethan has got his way.

"Alright. Alright, I want you in resus now, Dr Hardy. Let's not keep them waiting."

"Thank you." There's visible relief in Ethan's eyes at her decision; fear, panic, concern, yes, but considerable relief alongside it. "Thank you…"

"Don't thank me, just get down to resus. Now, please. And at the slightest hint it's too personal, you're out, you understand? I mean it, Dr Hardy."

He doesn't realise he's shaking until the ambulance pulls up outside resus.

It's just another patient. That's what Ethan tries to tell himself. Just another patient; this is his job, this is what he does, day in, day out. This is what he's trained for, and most of the time he makes a difference, most of the time patients arrive in resus and he manages to fix them, or stabilise them to the point that they are fit enough to be transferred to another department that can. This is his job, and he's good at it, has the years of medical school and the experience and the consultancy exams to show for it. There's no reason to think that this time, it's going to be any different.

Except this time, it's Alicia.

And, knowing that, there's a distinct feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach before the paramedics have even opened up the back door of the ambulance.

Alicia is in there.

Alicia is in there, and Ethan knows so little.

That isn't exactly unusual- far from it, in fact. It's far from unusual to have limited information regarding the condition of a patient prior to their arrival in the ED, but somehow this feels different.

It's Alicia. It's different because it's Alicia, not just any patient. Alicia's life in his hands, Alicia caught up in the devastation of an RTC, Alicia… how? How did it happen? Alicia fallen through a window, it makes no sense. She hasn't been herself for weeks now, of course; something has been going on with her, something that Ethan had hoped she would work through herself each time lately he had tried to get her to open up and screwed up with her and she had pushed him away, and each time she's come into work the next day looking even worse than before and the whole sorry cycle has begun all over again.

Perhaps Mrs Beauchamp was right. He's too close to this. How could he have ever thought any different? It's Alicia, it's Alicia… even now, as the paramedics open the doors, he can't get his head around it. Alicia, Alicia injured, Alicia all of a sudden signed off work with a mysterious illness Mrs Beauchamp won't talk about, Alicia being brought into the ED after a fall through a window he can't get his head around, can't come up with a rational explanation for try as he might, Alicia caught up in an RTC as if she didn't already have enough to cope with. And then there's her strange behaviour of the last few months, the zoning out, the jumpiness, the violent moods…

She hasn't been right for weeks. He's been trying to cast his mind back ever since Mrs Beauchamp revealed she had sent her home sick, trying to remember when it started, how it started, those first warning signs something was wrong before this out-of-control downward spiral that's so, so unlike Alicia began in full force.

That cold, rainy May morning, over two months ago now, that's when he first noticed it. The day of the coach crash, the day after he had turned her down for Leigh-Ann (yet another of his stupid, careless mistakes with Alicia), the day she had slipped out of the ED to attend behind Mrs Beauchamp's back and returned with all the symptoms of hyperthermia minus the temperature, the day he had thought he had put his foot in it well and truly with Alicia and Eddie, before Alicia's behaviour with Eddie had become so hostile, so completely, explosively erratic.

Ever since then it's been as though she's on self-destruct and the defensive and highly paranoid all at once, and try as he might, Ethan just can't get his head around it.

And then the trolley is out of the ambulance, and Ethan dives to help the paramedics wheel her in through to resus, medical instinct kicking in, gets her halfway down the corridor before he's able to process that it's Alicia, his Alicia, and then it hits him like a ton of bricks and for a moment, just a moment, his chest tightens and his breath is gone.

It's Alicia.

Except she doesn't look like Alicia at all.

He misses the initial transfer from the paramedics. He's there, physically at least, stands alongside Mrs Beauchamp and Rash as the paramedics report on her condition, but his mind is somewhere else entirely, struggling to take it in.

She's covered in blood. Blood doesn't bother Ethan, of course it doesn't, not in his profession. He knows that appearances can be deceiving when it comes to patients at the ED, knows that the quantity of blood isn't necessarily an indicator of doom, that emergency medicine is far more complex than that. Blood doesn't faze him, not like this; assess first, primary survey, then make judgements like that.

And yet all that goes out the window entirely in those first few moments, because it's Alicia, and Alicia is different.

Alicia means too much to him for Ethan to allow the rational, professional part of his mind to take charge here.

All he can see is Alicia's blood, Alicia strapped to a spinal board, Alicia, still save for the rapid heaving of her chest. Her eyes are closed, face twisted into something in between agony and utter exhaustion, resignation, and if she realises she's here, that she's back in safe hands, she makes no attempt to acknowledge it.

The blood, there's so much blood…

And then he's gripping the side of Alicia's trolley, assisting the paramedics in wheeling her through to resus before he's quite realised what's happening.

"Alicia Munroe, 28." Even Mrs Beauchamp sounds rattled; by her usual cold, professional standards, at least. "She was involved in an RTC roughly an hour ago. Suspected head injury, severe laceration to the brachial artery on the right side, dislocated elbow on the left side, reduced at the scene without analgesia."

It's the brachial artery, it must be. It looks worse than it is, there's so much blood because it's the brachial artery. That's what Ethan's training tells him. Brachial artery would be bad enough, but add to that the best part of an hour trapped in the back of an ambulance… she could well have been forced to try to treat this herself, he doesn't know the details, doesn't know who was with her, who else is injured. That explanation accounts for the blood stains decorating her tracksuit, her arms, her legs, her chest, her trainers, her hair but it doesn't account for the cuts on the face, the scrapes he knows will turn to bruises come tomorrow, because she's fallen through a window, shit… Her left arm- the reduction, the reduction carried out without pain relief- rests across her chest. It's as though she didn't place it herself, as though someone has had to get her onto the spinal board, positioned her arm across her chest in the absence of proper support- or as though she's staggered onto the board and collapsed down holding her arm awkwardly, injured, pained, still unable to straighten it out.

"Okay, on my count," Ethan finds himself saying, operating on autopilot now, medical training taking over. "One, two, three."

Together, he, Rash and the nursing team lift her, transfer her across onto the resus bed, and it's only as he grabs his stethoscope from around his neck, forces himself into action, that all of a sudden, he becomes aware of the sound she's making.

It's like a cry. Close to a cry, but that description isn't quite right, doesn't entirely to justice to the strangled, heart-breaking edge to it, the despair, the pain, the panic, and a whole load of shock.

It's as though she can't quite get her head around the fact that this has happened to her, that this is real, and now she's on the brink of an emotional meltdown trying to process it all.

She sounds like a frightened, wounded animal, and she's breaking Ethan's heart.

"Tachycardic at 110, BP 90 over 60. She had a GCS of 12 falling from 15 en route. She's had one gram of TXA, fluids running."

GCS 12… oh god, oh god…

He needs to focus. He isn't doing Alicia any favours like this.

She's helpless, horribly so, and it's so out of character that it's hard to accept this is really Alicia, that she's so broken, that she's crashing, that unless he sorts his head out now he's going to be no use to her at all as her doctor and that's what she needs from him right now, she needs him to keep this professional, put her back together.

"I want cool heads, okay, no heroics, do you understand?" Mrs Beauchamp says firmly, Ethan distracted, pulling on his gloves, peering over at Alicia. Her eyes are closed, still no signs of acknowledgement from her that she realises she's been brought in, that they're going to fix her up, just that awful pained whimpering, distressed, desperate.

"Okay," Ethan manages at last. He trusts Rash and the nurses to start removing her from the spinal board, begins his primary assessment, does his best to ignore the thousand thoughts running through his mind. It's Alicia… it's Alicia, but he has to be calm, has to treat her as though she's any other patient if he's going to stand a chance of getting them both through this.

"Airway's clear, resps high at 28," he reports, doing his best to keep his tone level, steady. It's partly for Alicia's benefit- although Ethan knows he might be kidding himself there, with a GCS of 12 and her current reaction to being brought in to be treated by her colleagues in her place of work, or lack of, there's no guarantee she's making sense of her surroundings anyway, no guarantee she's aware of his tone at all.

It's mostly because he knows the moment Mrs Beauchamp suspects he's struggling to hold himself together, she will have him out.

"Alicia, you need to stay still for us, please," Rash tries, and Ethan doesn't need to turn around to know that she's fighting against the nurses removing the straps, doesn't need to because her back arches and her face twists in pain and for a moment he thinks she's retching and they're going to have to suction her, but at least she's moving, at least she isn't showing signs of paralysis, he has to be positive…

"Just want to sleep," Alicia moans desperately, incoherent, defeated.

She can't sleep. They can't let her sleep, not with a suspected head injury.

The nurses are reaching over her now, pulling down her t shirt at the neck, taking her bloodied hand, and a few moments later the resus bay comes to life with the bleeping of monitors, a little fast for Ethan's liking but there, present, proof that she's still here with him, that maybe, just maybe, part of her still wants to fight.

"Right, once you've finished primary survey I want to get her straight to CT," Mrs Beauchamp frowns.

It's perfectly clear from the look on her face, broken through her usual façade of control and clinical distance, that she's worried.

Ethan just nods, pulls on his stethoscope, begins pulse checks. He needs to check her circulation, then they can repair her brachial artery and get her to CT. There's no point worrying now, not when there's still work to be done to stabilise her. They'll know more after CT, there's no sense in worrying until he can rush her through to CT.

"Okay, let's get another large line in," he orders. "Get some O-neg, and we need Us and Es, clotting, and group and save, please." Her pulse is there- weak, not weak enough for him to be desperately worried about her circulation, but the blood loss is significant, she's most likely going to need a transfusion by the time they're stabilised her.

"How did this happen?" Rash asks desperately.

"We don't have the full details yet," Ethan explains. There isn't time for this, as soon as he's finished checking Alicia's circulation they need to start on the artery repair, need to get her moved, in the CT queue fast, before the rest of the casualties from the RTC arrive. He wants her through quickly, wants her stable, wants her upstairs in recovery before the night shift is over.

But Rash shakes his head, troubled. "I was questioned by the police earlier," he admits, and Ethan turns to him in confusion. "You don't think Eddie had something to do with this, do you?"

Ethan freezes.

"Dr Masum, may I remind you my resus is no place for gossip!" Mrs Beauchamp snaps.

All three of them fall silent, the only sound the bleeping of the monitors and Alicia's pained whimpers.

"Get a move on."

It's only as Mrs Beauchamp issues he latest order that Ethan realises he's still staring, still stopped in his tracks, stethoscope ready to listen to Alicia's lungs but his mind in another place altogether.

Eddie.

Eddie, he had thought she was with Eddie at first, that night he had visited her new house to check on her after the coach crash and only ended up upsetting her, he had thought she was trying to tell him she was with Eddie now and he had left her to it, embarrassed, and when the next week she had started acting so strangely around her former mentee he assumed she had simply broken up with him, assumed, if he's completely honest with himself now, that her treatment of Eddie was yet another element of her strange behaviour lately but now, faced with this new information from Rash that's so little to go on, that could be nothing and yet feels like quite the opposite, feels completely wrong… Eddie off work helping the police with an investigation, Alicia off sick, Mrs Beauchamp refusing to talk about either as though there's some enormous secret she can't possibly share with him…

"Dr Hardy, do I need to remind you of our earlier conversation? "Mrs Beauchamp begins, pulling Ethan back to reality. "If you feel your professional judgement is compromised here…"

"What? No, no, I can treat her…" He turns back to Alicia, forces himself to block this latest revelation out, to focus. "Okay. Okay, only significant bleed is the laceration to the brachial artery, priority is to get that repaired and then we'll move her to CT. Cutters, please, we need to get this off her." He gestures to her hoodie, begins inspecting the damage. The bleeding has stopped, but the paramedics have used tourniquets- one ambulance-issued, one makeshift out of what looks like a trouser cord.

The bleeding has evidently been significant.

"Okay," he says at last, a little shakier than he would have liked. "The line's in, yes? Get a move on with the O-neg, please, chase bloods if you have to." He knows that's unfair, knows far longer is going to be needed to group and save but it's Alicia, don't they know it's Alicia? "Let's give her another two of morphine."

"Resps risen to 30," Mrs Beauchamp comments. "She's tachycardic at 116 now, I want her on a nasal cannula before you start on the brachial artery, and let's assess her GCS again."

Ethan groans, closes his eyes for the briefest moment in search of the faintest shred of proper focus whilst the nurses busy themselves with the nasal cannula and Rash proceeds with the assessment. "Alicia, can you hear me? Alicia?"

"Hurts," Alicia, complains, eyes remaining closed, though she flinches away when Ethan reaches for her right hand.

"GCS down to 10," he concludes grimly. "There's glass… glass in her hands, presumably from the fall. We'll need to remove before we take her up to CT, but let's focus on the artery repair for now. It's alright, Alicia," he murmurs softly, reaching for the scalpel. "Just stay still for us. It's going to be alright."

 **Before I finish, I just want to say a massive, heartfelt** **thank** **you to everyone who has favourited/followed this story, and particularly to my wonderful reviewers, my two guests (thank you so, so much, I'm so glad you want me to continue) and casfics (I am a HUGE fan of your writing, oh my goodness it means so much to hear you enjoyed mine!). This is one of many attempts to get back into writing after I had a really awful year last year, but it's the one that feels the most natural to me so far and gives me the most hope I might actually remember how to write and enjoy it, and so it means the world to get such lovely feedback.**

 **I'm planning this to be a series of missing moments, at the moment covering the first episode and then moving on from that. I have a plan of where I'm going with this although I'm aiming to tie it into the episodes as they air, but please do let me know if you have any requests of missing moments from last week's episode you would like me to write. And please do keep the reviews coming, you are all awesome, awesome people.**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The brachial artery repair goes relatively well, all things considered.

Ethan does well.

Alicia settles down after they give her another line of morphine, still dazed, a little incoherent, but less so; she fills Connie with hope that her reduced consciousness and her tachycardia upon arrival in resus was a result of shock and high levels of pain, not a head injury as first suspected by the paramedics. She still wants her straight to CT after they finish up with primary survey in resus, just to be safe, but Alicia put up enough of a fight when Ethan first attempted to hook her up to the nasal cannula and begin artery repair before the morphine kicked in and between them they managed to hold her still, that Connie is reasonably satisfied there's no spinal injury, either.

Her arm will be fine. It's a nasty injury, not helped by the time wasted trapped in the ambulance at the RTC, and Connie doesn't want to see Alicia back at work for a good few weeks yet. It's a nasty injury for anyone, but particularly for a registrar in emergency medicine; Connie will not be allowing her anywhere near patients until she's satisfied she's fully healed, will not have a potential surgical career sabotaged by a bad injury inappropriately rested and healed.

"Okay," Ethan says at last, finishing bandaging Alicia's arm. "Okay, I'm happy with that. We need to start her on the transfusion, can I have the bag, please? Right… right, let's get her cleaned up, we'll get the glass out of her hands and then I want her set up for transfusion and we'll get her to CT. Alicia? Alicia, we're nearly finished. You still with us?"

Alicia squeezes her eyes shut tighter in response, nods ever so slightly.

Connie knows now is the moment to take control.

"Right, Dr Hardy, you go and get her booked in with CT," she instructs. "Tell them I want her through before the next crews arrive from the RTC. Dr Masum, find her a bed upstairs, please."

Ethan hesitates, his face an open book of emotions, so clearly reluctant to leave Alicia. "We're not done here, her hands are filled with glass, we need to…"

"I'll see to that for now," Connie tells him firmly. "CT, bed, now, please. Both of you, go."

They exchange glances, evidently suspicious that Connie is taking on a responsibility usually well below her, although neither of them argue.

Connie is perfectly aware as they disappear off together that Ethan will be grilling Dr Masum for information, that whatever he's managed to gather from the police will no longer be confidential by the time they both return to resus.

She knows it only too well, and it isn't ideal, not what she would have wanted for Alicia. But it's a small price to pay for privacy for her, privacy for the part that has to come next.

"I want you out now, please," she instructs the nurses still huddled around the resus bay. "I'll need you back in here to assist with this glass extraction and prep her for CT in a moment, you understand? Don't go anywhere."

She waits until they've left the bay before she turns back to her injured registrar on the resus bed.

"Alicia?" she begins gently. "Alicia, listen to me for a moment, I need you to concentrate. Can you do that?"

Alicia whimpers, shakes her head. "Want… sleep… please…"

"I know, I know, you can sleep once we've got you through CT. I can't let you sleep now, Alicia, you know that. Not with a suspected head injury."

Alicia shakes her head again, more adamantly this time. "M'fine, it's not that… just hurts…"

"Okay, okay, but I want to let the CT be the judge of that. Alicia, listen to me. I had a call from the police earlier…"

"No, no…"

"It's alright. It's alright, hear me out. Iain called the police after he and Ruby picked you up, do you remember?"

Alicia nods weakly.

"Good." She's glad; that Alicia remembers the phone call makes this part a little easier. "I'm going to tell you what happens next, okay? Dr McAlister was already suspended for the course of the police investigation. That doesn't change. Whatever happens, I will make sure that he never sets foot in this hospital again, let alone this department, as long as you work here. I'm signing you off on open ended sick leave, full pay, and I don't want to see you at work until you're fully recovered, you understand? I mean it. We'll go through this again later, it's alright. Now, for now…" Connie pauses, gentle, and just a little apprehensive. "Alicia? You still with me?"

Slowly, Alicia nods.

"Okay. I have a forensics nurse waiting outside resus. She'll be discrete, I promise. No one else will need to know. With your consent, the police would like your injuries to be documented, alright? It would be brief, they'll be plenty of time to complete the process before Dr Hardy and Dr Masum return. How do you feel about that?"

Alicia is silent for a moment. The sounds she's made have been closer to whimpers than cries until this point, but now there's a thin trail of tears mixed in with the blood across her cheeks that Connie doesn't recall noticing before, and in that moment, she's so sure Alicia is going to refuse.

And then she blinks, just for a moment, squeezes her eyes tightly closed again as though the bright lights of resus are too much for her to bear.

"What do I have to do?"

"Photographic evidence," Connie explains gently. "It will be brief. If you consent, we'll need to get that done now and then we'll get you cleaned up and down to CT. If… if it's needed, we'll need to take swabs…"

Alicia shakes her head firmly. "No. No, it's not."

Connie sighs softly. "Are you sure, Alicia? If you have any doubts, it might be best…"

She shakes her head again. "No… I'm sure. He didn't… not this time, he just.. .he pushed…" She shudders. "He didn't. Not tonight. From… from that night, it's too late, it'll be gone…"

That's something, Connie tells herself. At least that's something.

"Alright. Alright, so Francesca- the forensics nurse- I'll bring Francesca in now and we'll complete the photographic evidence, if you consent."

"Okay." Alicia's reply is shaky.

"I'll tell her we're ready for her. You'll need to make a statement, they'll be time for that later." They'll be more, of course, there's still more she needs to talk to Alicia about, but it isn't urgent, not just yet, and now isn't the time to be attempting to win her over any further. "And then we'll get you cleaned up, we need to get a CT scan done and by then Dr Masum should have found you a bed for the time being. I'll get onto Hansen once we've dealt with the RTC, he owes me a favour, I'll sort you out a private room…"

"I don't want… special treatment." Alicia flushes, embarrassed.

"It's not special treatment," Connie tells her, beckoning the forensic nurse into the resus bay. She's already thought this through, suspecting it may be what Alicia needs to hear. "It's for this afternoon."

Alicia frowns, pained. "What?"

"Cat Barling. The burns patient. I meant what I said, you did very well today." She smiles sympathetically as the forensics nurse arrives. "Alicia, this is Francesca. I'll leave you in her capable hands."

Ethan's heart is racing by the time he finally returns to resus.

So much so, in fact, that at risk of sounding terribly melodramatic, he has little doubt that were he to hook himself up to the heartrate monitors and the blood pressure machine, he would fail rather spectacularly.

He can't quite process the information Rash has just provided him with, the missing pieces in the baffling puzzle that has been Alicia's behaviour over the past couple of months that he never imagined.

He knew there was something wrong. That much has been painfully clear for some time now, and he's tried, not hard enough, Ethan appreciates, but he's tried, should have pushed harder but she had made it so abundantly clear she didn't want to confide in him, had pushed him away well and truly after his spectacular fuck up telling her about Scott Ellison, clearing his conscience, offloading onto her when he realises now she had most likely been trying to confide in him, to finally share the horrors she had endured, seek help, support, and he had blown it, made it all about him when she so desperately needed him.

He knew there was something wrong, but he never pushed it, not properly, and certainly not after that.

Needless to say, Ethan regrets it now.

There isn't a word strong enough to adequately express just how greatly he regrets it.

It had taken Ethan approximately thirty seconds to extract the whole story from Rash- or the whole story as he knew it, at least. They had been ordered out of resus together by Mrs Beauchamp the moment the artery repair was complete and they had assessed Alicia as stable; even ordered doesn't seem to quite describe it, not when she had practically pushed them out of the door.

She hadn't said as much, but Ethan isn't stupid. He hardly failed to notice the presence of the forensics nurse right outside resus upon their departure, recognised her from the unmistakable box of equipment, the camera and the sympathetically grim expression, a seasoned solider heading over the trenches once again.

In the end, Rash had put up a brief, incredibly weak resistance. At first, he had blurted out something incomprehensible along the lines of patient confidentiality (to which Ethan had pointed out that patient confidentiality had quite blatantly been the furthest thing from his mind when he had voiced his fears in resus earlier, not only in front of Alicia, talking about her so carelessly as though she wasn't there at all, but also in front of him, Mrs Beauchamp, the nurses as whoever else might have been close enough to hear), but after limited persuasion he had been only too willing to offload.

It's painfully clear to Ethan that this is a terrible secret that Rash has been struggling with ever since he witnessed Eddie's arrest earlier in his shift. He was so sure Alicia had made it all up, Rash had despaired to Ethan outside resus. Eddie was his friend, he had been so certain, he had been called in for an interview with the police at the end of his shift, having been identified by Eddie as a witness, as someone who had seen Alicia flirting with him in the pub that night, someone who could help his case, prove to the police that this was all Alicia, Alicia blowing it all out of proportion, Alicia being uptight, cold, professional, Alicia with some kind of twisted vendetta, and Rash had gone along with it all in his police interview, backed Eddie up all the way.

It was only after seeing Alicia arrive in resus, after putting the pieces together and realising that Alicia had been the patient involved in the RTC from the back of an ambulance and that the chances of the brachial artery laceration being a result of that second incident were so, so minute, most likely connected to the window fall, instead, that it had finally clicked in Rash's mind.

 _"_ _They said… the police… there's no easy way to say this. They said he raped Alicia."_

And with those words, in just that one moment, everything in Ethan's world had changed.

He should have been on shift. He was never scheduled to be on shift, of course, it's ridiculous to blame himself now for not having been on shift earlier, but that's the first thought that comes into Ethan's mind. He should have been on shift, he should have been here. He knows now, having heard the whole tragic tale from Rash, that Eddie was arrested earlier today, that he and Alicia had both been at the police station making statements, reviewing evidence, that Eddie had been released on bail and then promptly called into Mrs Beauchamp's office upon his return to the ED, that Alicia had appeared at some point during all this on her day off and been called in to assist in resus before vanishing off with Mrs Beauchamp and all of a sudden being crossed off the rota on sick leave.

He should have been on duty. It's so painfully clear that despite Mrs Beauchamp's best efforts, gossip has been circling the ED all day, and of course Alicia hasn't been in to defend herself save for that brief visit in which she had been whisked into resus and whisked away again.

He should have been here. He could have put a stop to the rumours, he could have shut them all up and made them see that Alicia hasn't been right for weeks, that it's so painfully clear in light of these latest developments why her behaviour has been so aggressive and erratic (because if Rash is anything to go by, Ethan doesn't trust that it's the conclusion the rest of the ED who overheard Eddie's arrest has come to at all). He could have supported her, he could have made sure she got straight in to see Mrs Beauchamp and bypassed resus, he could have gotten her home safely, he could have been there when Eddie arrived, if that's how it did happen, he could have protected her…

Screw that, he should have been there that night, the night it happened. He has the date from Rash and his blood ran cold instantly, because Ethan didn't need to consult his diary to put the pieces together.

The night it happened, the night Eddie… no, he can't say it… the night it happened was the same night he had stood Alicia up at the last minute for Leigh-Anne.

And once he's come to that realisation, it's painfully, painfully obvious to Ethan why Alicia ended up with Eddie that night.

It's his fault.

It's all his fault, and Alicia is never going to forgive him.

He had booked Alicia's CT with his mind a total blur, going through the motions, hardly able to focus at all.

It seems so pointless.

She needs the CT, of course, Ethan knows that. That part isn't pointless. His concerns for her mobility, the possibility of spinal damage, have more or less faded now, but she was still so incoherent when he left her, and she's been through so much that it's not beyond the realms of possibility that she's just overly distressed, shocked, but at the same time it's a suspected head injury, it could be so much worse…

But what's the point of it all? What's the point of any of it, anything that can be done for Alicia in this hospital with all the resources and the expertise of modern medicine, if nothing can take all of her pain and suffering away?

Alicia…

It's with a distinct feeling of dread that Ethan heads back into resus, CT slot finally secured. He doesn't know how to look at her now, doesn't know how to talk to her, to treat her… his mind is frozen with the fear of making it all worse for her, doing something wrong, saying something wrong, upsetting her, hurting her, bringing it all back…

He can't imagine it.

Ethan simply can't imagine it, and that makes knowing how to help her all the more impossible.

Mrs Beauchamp is on his case the moment he steps back into the resus bay. It's as though she knows, Ethan realises; it's as though she already knows, or has guessed at least, that Rash will have told him everything he knows, that Ethan will be arriving back into her resus forever changed.

Alicia.

Alicia needs him, and he can't pull himself together.

"Dr Hardy, I trust you've booked CT?"

"Right… yes, Alicia's booked in…" Ethan's mind is too much of a mess for him to think straight, and it takes a moment for him to fully process that the scene before him now is not the one he expected to find waiting for him upon his return to resus. "I thought… I thought you wanted to rush her down as soon as she was booked…"

"Well, yes, but in your absence, there's been a slight complication."

Alicia lies on her side across the resus bed, recovery position, though the oxygen mask has been removed. Her blood-soaked clothes are gone, replaced by a hospital gown that's been draped over her awkwardly.

It's with a start that Ethan realises he's stepped through the resus bay's curtains to reach them, curtains that weren't pulled when he left.

God, he needs to get a grip.

It's worse for Alicia. It's a thousand times worse for Alicia than it is for him, of course it is, and yet despite her injuries and her confusion and her emotional stress, right now she's holding it together a whole lot better than he is.

"There's rather more glass than we anticipated," Mrs Beauchamp explains. "It seems the paramedics picked her up from the middle of the window remains, she'd been lying on broken glass until they arrived. No major damage, removal is just taking a little longer than we might have hoped. We'll get her up to CT an awful lot faster if you could assist us, please."

All he can see is Alicia; Alicia eyes clenched tightly shut, Alicia refusing to acknowledge his presence- or any of them, in fact, as though she's trying to block it all out.

"Right… yes… of course…" He reaches for the equipment tray, bends over Alicia, frowns. "Her resps are back up, they'd dropped down before…"

"Alicia is refusing the nasal cannula," Mrs Beauchamp explains swiftly, not looking up from extracting glass from Alicia's side. "I've told her if her resps rise by as much as one count further from here she's straight back on oxygen and it's no longer negotiable."

There's so much Ethan wants to say in that moment. He wants to ask Mrs Beauchamp why on earth she agreed to go along with Alicia's wishes when her resps have climbed straight back up again, when they know her cognitive function could be compromised after the head injury, when they know at the very least she's been through something incredibly traumatic for the second time in a matter of months, when she can't be thinking straight, can't be allowed to make decisions that could impact on her treatment when they have every reason to fear she isn't of mind sound enough to make them.

He wants to say that it's all going to be alright, to sit beside Alicia and brush the bloody mess of hair from her face and comfort her, somehow, because there must be something, there must be something he can do to make this all go away for her, he just needs to think, regain his composure and think, Alicia needs him to think…

He wants to hold Alicia close and tell her how much she means to him, promise her that he will never let anyone hurt her like this again. He wants to speak to her the words he should have said so many times before and always manages to choke upon, but that would be too much for her right now, it would be completely inappropriate, he can't add to her torment when she needs him to be there for her, whatever being there for her bloody means in this situation, whatever it is he's supposed to do…

There's so much Ethan wants to say, and yet he just can't find the words.

And so he bends over Alicia, assesses, takes a moment to composes himself and then when he speaks to her at last it's as her doctor, as a professional, because that's what she needs from him right now, and he might have proven himself to her to be a lost cause so far when it comes to emotions and expressing them but he will not fail her as her doctor.

"Alicia?" It feels so wrong to be tending to her as though she's unconscious, whether she wants to acknowledge them or not. "Alicia, it's Ethan. I'm just going to take your hands and get this glass out, okay? Alicia, we need you to stay awake until we can get you to CT, okay?"

"M'awake," she mumbles weakly, shifts her right hand out towards him a little in consent. "Just can't…"

"Hey, it's okay. I know. It won't be much longer, we'll get you to CT as soon as we can and then you can sleep."

Her hands aren't as bad as he had feared, Ethan realises with relief. She won't need stitches; not in her hands, at least, one glance at Mrs Beauchamp's equipment tray tells him she's already resorted to stitches to deal with the worse of Alicia's glass wounds. But at least her hands will heal quickly, at least he hasn't had to stitch her hands…

"If you're finished, Dr Hardy, you can take Alicia's bloods down to phlebotomy, please," Mrs Beauchamp instructs. "Tell them it's a priority case, please. I'm almost finished. You should be able to take her straight for CT once you're back."

"Okay." He's reluctant to leave her again, reluctant to let go of Alicia's cold hands, but if dropping her bloods off for analysis is the final hurdle between him and taking Alicia down to CT personally, Ethan can live with that. "Okay, I'll be as quick as I can."

He grabs Alicia's blood sample and practically bolts out of resus, determined that whatever it is, whatever Mrs Beauchamp has decided she needs in the time he's been gone (because the group and save and the Us and Es are completed, had to be rushed through in order for Alicia to receive the blood transfusion, so this is new, this is a new discovery, something new Mrs Beauchamp has decided upon but hasn't thought to share with him, not yet…

But then Ethan glances down at the paperwork alongside Alicia's blood sample, takes in the particular tests Mrs Beauchamp wants bloods to run, and all of a sudden, his heart floods with horror and disgust.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, Alicia…

Alicia…

 **Again, please know I am so, so grateful and overwhelmed by your wonderful, kind reviews. Thank you so much every single one of you who has followed or favourited this, and a particular huge thank you to my incredible reviewers, you guys honestly inspire me to keep writing- and this is the most proper writing I have managed in nearly a year. And I'm so glad I have managed to fill the Ethan/Alicia void a little for some of you- how disappointing was Saturday's episode on that front? :(**

 **To my guest reviewer who requested Elle finding out about Alicia's rape, I actually had something along these lines planned for either the next chapter or the chapter after, watch this space :)**

 **Please do let me know what you think of this one, your reviews are everything. And a quick question for you- do you prefer longer chapters like this one or shorter ones like chapter 1?**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Alicia doesn't think she has ever felt quite this humiliated.

They don't even allow her to transfer onto the CT bed by herself. In a way, Alicia gets, it, she really, really does, accepts that she would most likely have done exactly the same, were she the one administering treatment in this scenario. She wouldn't risk a patient collapsing mid transfer were there any doubt in her mind, she would have insisted too, but she's _fine_ , she needed to do it herself, needed to prove to them all that she can do it, that she isn't broken, because by now they'll all have heard, she's sure they will, she's seen the sympathetic looks from enough of them already since she was brought in and she can't stand it, she can't, she can't do this…

The pain is practically just a minor inconvenience in comparison to the utter humiliation, and the pain is almost too much for Alicia to bear.

She allows them to practically carry her across to the CT bed in the end because her feeble attempts at protest get her nowhere- and feeble is the most she can manage as things stand, she's so tired, she's just so tired…

She still can't think straight. Resus is a blur, the ambulance ride here even more so, and parts of the crash and those minutes trapped in the back of the first ambulance with Ruby a mixture of perfect, horrific clarity and fragmented confusion. Things make a little more sense now, she understands what's happening to her, or at least she thinks she does, but everything hurts, everything hurts and it's so frustratingly hard to concentrate for more than a few seconds, until the latest round of morphine and paracetamol and whatever else they pumped her with kicked in at last too hard even to open her eyes…

Ethan gets her out of resus and they bring her upstairs, that's the last thing she remembers with any decent clarity. Ethan gets her out of resus and he's talking to her in the corridor, in the lift, some kind of reassuring babble, knowing Ethan, but she can hardly recall a word of it now, can't remember if she made an effort to respond or if she just closed her eyes and willed sleep to come, ignored the pleas she knows he would have made for her to keep herself awake, because it's important, because she can't remember if she hit her head and they need to be sure, they can't let her sleep.

That's right… Ethan gets her upstairs and there's a wait for the CT scanner, Ethan shouts and rages at the CT team and Alicia squeezes her eyes shut and wants to disappear because it's so bloody embarrassing, because these are her colleagues, people she'd liked to have thought respected her before all this and now they're all going to know, now they're going to look at her and they're going to judge her because she's forever going to be the doctor who got plastered and went sleeping around and got what she damned well deserved with _him_ , they're never going to look at her in the same way again, Eddie has had the best part of today whilst she's been in the police station to turn them all against her, twist things to suit his version of events and now he'll tell them she fell the way he tried to win over Iain and Ruby but what if they all believe him and not her, what if they all fall for it and he's turned them all against her already and… and she remembers something about Mrs Beauchamp… Mrs Beauchamp in resus, Mrs Beauchamp telling her Eddie won't be coming back here… bail… bail broken… arrested…

Ethan had eventually resigned himself to the fact that she wasn't going to be shifted up the queue any time soon and he had wheeled her trolley out into the corridor because of course it's a typical late night on the NHS and the wards are fully packed, RTC casualties beginning to arrive and there was no other space… Ethan ranting and raging about no way to treat a registrar until somehow she found the energy to tell him to leave it, that it was okay, that she just needed to be treated like anyone else, no prioritising, no… what's the word, she can't think… Ethan handing her an antibacterial wipe and asking her if she wanted to clean the blood off her face but her right arm was useless and her left was even worse, couldn't even lift her hands half an inch off the trolley and so Ethan had taken the pack of wipes and ever so gently wiped away the blood and the grime and the makeup and the tear stains of far too many traumas all packed into the space of the worst day imaginable, brushed at the tears that had flowed then to add to the mix with the back of his thumb as though it was the most natural, obvious thing in the world and all Alicia could feel was numbness and relief, total, earth-shattering relief because his gesture didn't fill her with desperate panic, because it's not all men that make he feel so horribly terrified it's beyond her to quite put it into words, it's not them all, it's just him, she's still normal, deep down, deep down she's still normal and it's going to be alright, there's hope, she isn't going to be alone forever now, it's just him, it's just him…

Except then all of a sudden it had occurred to Alicia that her reasoning was only valid assuming that anyone of the opposite sex would want to come anywhere near her after this and everything she's ever told every victim of this awful trauma she's ever treated goes well and truly out the window, because it seems like such utter rubbish now she's in this horrific mess herself, no wonder none of them have ever believed her if this is how it feels, if this is how she's doomed to feel for the rest of her life then she can't do it, she can't…

Ethan and the nursing team practically carry her onto the CT bed and someone's hands are on either side of her head as they lower her down, as though they have no faith in her abilities to diagnose herself at all, as though they think she's broken, weak, helpless, needs to be treated like a child.

The humiliation is on another level.

"You okay?" Ethan takes her left arm- the fracture, not the brachial artery wound, god only knows how she's going to manage to do anything for the next week or so faced with such a bad set of options- drapes it across her chest without a word, as though he's watched and silently, knowingly observed her struggling to support it and deal with the pain and stop her head from spinning and sending her into another blind panic, too many things to think about and too little energy. "I'm sorry, I know it must be sore. I'll find you a sling once we're done here."

Under normal circumstances, Alicia might have made some god-awful joke about refusing to spend the next week walking around like some glorified extra from The Mummy minus the costume (because which arm would he bloody sling, would she alternate or something?), but her mind is still a haze, and she can't think, doubts she would be able to muster the energy even if she could.

"I'll be right outside, okay?" Ethan assures her. He doesn't bother talking her through the procedure, something Alicia is rather grateful. She doesn't need to be patronised; she feels as though they're all treating her like a child already, even though deep down she knows she's being just a little unfair.

If she isn't allowed to be irrational at a time like this, when is she?

"It won't be long, Alicia. I promise it won't be long. I know you want to sleep, we'll let you sleep soon. It's alright."

His fingers brush over her sore palms for just a moment before he leaves her to the CT scanner, and Alicia is torn, torn in that brief moment between the numb, emotionless state she seems to be trapped within now she's more aware of her surroundings at last, torn between ignoring his touch, locking herself away within her own world because perhaps she'll be safer if she doesn't engage with anyone around her and between gripping his hand so tightly that her palms sting with the pressure on the wounds and begging him not to leave her, because as long as he's here she's safe, he makes her feel safe, as long as Ethan's here he might be treating her as though she's made of broken glass but she knows it's only because he cares about her, he won't let anything happen…

She's so confused. She's so painfully, distressingly confused, and Alicia can't see how things are ever going to be the same again.

She can't think straight again as she's moved into the scanner. She can't think… it's as though the silence and the lack of anything else to focus upon has sent her mind into overdrive again, as though it's easier to bear when there's so much noise around her, too many people, as though as much as their fuss and their noise and their constant activity is driving her insane, preventing her from sleeping, all she wants is sleep… it's as though somehow as much as she wants it all to stop it's the only thing that's keeping her sane, she needs it, she needs the background noise if the alternative is she's left in silence to try to process it all and she can't do that, it's too overwhelming and she doesn't even know where to start, she can't…

"Hey, it won't be long, okay?" Ethan's voice fills the CT chamber; he's watching her through the camera, Alicia realises, he must be, he's seen something in her eyes and he knows, he can tell, he always could read her.

She can't speak. There's so much she wants to say and she just can't find the words.

"Alicia, why didn't you tell me about Eddie?" There's so much pain in Ethan's tone, so much guilt. "I could have helped. I could have gone to the police, and I would have made sure he never came near you again."

He doesn't get it. He's Ethan all over; sweet, caring, protectively bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders as he always does, and Alicia can't bring herself to break to him that there are some things, try as he might, he won't ever be able to fix.

"I don't need your help, Ethan. I don't need a knight in shining armour, I'm going to deal with this my way. Okay?" Her voice has faded to all but a whisper, no energy left to fight any longer.

Ethan seems to understand. There's so much unsaid between them; Alicia can't tell him, there's so much running through her head she feels as though she wants to tell him but how can she, how can she put it into words and say it aloud to him when she can't even make sense of it all in her own head?

Not understand as such; understand isn't the right word, Alicia realises once the CT is finally over. Understand implies that he gets it completely, and he doesn't, there's no doubting that. He's still so awkward with her… it's as though he understands her need to let it all drop for now, to deal with it on her terms (and that's a load of utter crap, Alicia is certain that she needs to deal with it on her own terms and yet she doesn't have a bloody clue what that actually means for her, how is that supposed to work?), but beneath it all he doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to talk to her, how to be around her…

And the worst of it is Alicia doesn't know how she needs him to be around her, either.

It's all a mess.

It's all just such a ridiculous mess.

Ethan has the nurses back in the room the moment the CT scan is over; he knows her too well, Alicia realises, knows that even exhausted, no energy left, right on the brink of collapse she would rather anything at all than the humiliation of being practically carried back across onto a bed the same humiliating way she was transferred before.

He knows it too well, and so of course, Ethan has ensured it's exactly what he is going to get.

Perhaps it's the morphine and the adrenaline and the god only knows what else messing with her head, but Alicia can't quite decide whether she should love him or hate him for that.

"Alicia, relax," Ethan urges as she tries to fight against them; it's instinctive, nothing particularly deliberate about it, she knows she should give in if they're going to insist on moving her and save the energy because it's taken her this long to reach the point of semi-coherency again and already she can feel herself beginning to slip under again slowly but surely, it's hopeless, it's so hopeless…

She's been fighting sleep, Alicia realises as they wheel her out of CT. She's been fighting sleep; she's never thought about it properly until now, hasn't been able to look beyond the fact that she's so bloody tired, that she hasn't slept properly since it happened and every time she tries it ends in nightmares and panic attacks and hysterical sobbing and disaster, in curling up on the sofa downstairs with a blanket and bracing herself for another day of back ache, but it's not just that. She's been fighting sleep too, fighting it off as long as she can because even on the sofa she's not free from it all, just less likely to fall back into the despair of her nightmares than if she's up there, where it happened, where she's burned away the bedsheets and replaced the mattress and deep cleaned more times over than she can count but he's still up there, she can still smell him, he'll never go away…

She's been fighting sleep because as badly as she knows her body needs it she just can't, she needs sleep but she needs the kind of sleep that will actually leave her feeling refreshed, not the kind that traps her, smothers her, leaves her fighting to reach consciousness again because exhaustion is better than reliving it all, anything is better than that.

Somehow, she ends up back onto the hospital bed and up onto the ward- god knows which one, she's so disorientated, she can't think- and she's zoned out, head all over the place, trapped somewhere between that night and tonight and the ambulance and Eddie and she can't, she can't focus, until suddenly Ethan is reaching for her right arm and the sharpness of the pain takes her so by surprise that she cries out, exhausted, despairing because she can't take any more of this, she's done, she just wants to sleep…

"I know, I know it hurts," Ethan sighs sympathetically. "That's why I need to elevate it. Okay… they're going to rush the scan results, we should get them through soon, we'll take it from there. How's the pain?"

Alicia just shrugs. How is she supposed to tell him that the morphine has numbed the worst of it, but there are some things nothing can fix?

"We've given you maximum morphine, I suppose I can…"

She shakes her head.

He doesn't get it. It's more than that. She's so tired, she's just so tired, physically exhausted and emotionally numb, broken…

"Alicia? Alicia, stay with me." She's faintly aware of the slightly urgent edge to Ethan's tone but she's too tired, too tired to fully take it in, she can't focus… Ethan… Ethan fussing over her again, Ethan…

"Right, I know you told Mrs Beauchamp you didn't want it but you don't have a choice now, I'm going to have to put you back on the oxygen," Ethan sighs. "Alicia? Your resps are through the roof again, I need you to try and relax. Breathe, Alicia, you're alright…"

She doesn't quite take in how he gets the oxygen back on her, whether she kicks up a fight, insists she doesn't need it or tries something else stupid, yanks it off like she did in resus, she can only half remember that… hazy…

"Alicia? Alicia, are you still with me?"

She nods weakly, finally allows herself to relax.

It helps. She knows it helps, she knows the science, has fought with enough patients over this issue in the past to know that of course it will help, but it makes her feel as though she's suffocating, as though she's trapped…

"M'okay…" She sighs, closes her eyes and then rapidly blinks them open again, clarity returning to her and all of a sudden, she realises Ethan is going to panic if she leads him to believe she's slipping under… "I'm fine, Ethan, I'm fine, I just…" She shakes her head; she's still so lost for the words she needs to tell him. "I'm fine," she manages again, relying on the fact that the tears are finally beginning to fall as she utters those words to communicate to him all the things she can't find it in her to say.

Ethan pales. "Okay. Okay, I'm going to… go chase… you know," he stammers, and then he's gone, gone before Alicia can remember half the tests they must have run on her by now and decide whether there really is something urgent they're still waiting on or if Ethan simply can't stand to be in her company, confused, conflicted, too far so to know how to treat her now she's emotionally unstable and contaminated twice over.

Alicia wouldn't blame him if he couldn't.

 **I am so completely overwhelmed by all your kind reviews on the last chapter, thank you so, so much! I honestly never expected so many people to read this, every single one of you has made me so happy with your kind words. I think most of you want longer chapters, there may be** **the occasional shorter chapter if it fits better with the storyline in places, but on the whole I'll stick to the longer ones.**

 **To my Elle reviewer, she will make an appearance in the next chapter :)**

 **As ever, reviews would be hugely appreciated- and another question, are you happy with the balance of Alicia/Ethan chapters so far?**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	5. Chapter 5

**To my wonderful Elle anon- this is for you!**

 **Chapter 5**

Ethan's head is a mess.

He's been doing it all wrong.

That shouldn't be much of a surprise, not really. He hasn't exactly been under the impression up until now that he's been doing an incredible job of being a source of support, but even so, his brief conversation with Duffy while agonising over Alicia's results has hit home some uncomfortable truths and he's such an idiot, he can see that now.

This kind of situation is admittedly a minefield at the best of times but still he's managed to get it all just about as wrong as it gets.

He's taken Duffy's words to heart. He truly has. If friendship is what she needs then of course that's exactly what he'll give her; exactly what he would have given her anyway, he likes to think, but then he's been so awkward with her lately, everything has been a mess…

This is his fault. This is all his fault. If he hadn't gotten involved with Leigh-Anne, if he hadn't been so cold with Alicia until so relatively recently, if only he hadn't stood her up that night, then perhaps…

No, he tells himself. No, this is exactly what Duffy was trying to tell him, he can't think like this. It's not helpful, it achieves nothing bar wasting his energy and Alicia needs him to be there for her, Alicia needs…

He's no idea what she needs. He takes Duffy's point, of course. She needs someone to be there for her, a friend, but there's going to be so much more to it than that for her. There's so much she's going to have to work through to come back from this, so much to confront, to accept…

He just can't stop thinking about those samples Mrs Beauchamp had him take off for bloodwork.

Alicia's samples… shit…

He watches from the doctors' station, helpless. The nurses have left her alone now, and he knows of course that it's a good sign, that he should be pleased, but somehow all Ethan can focus upon is how small she looks, how fragile, how broken.

How can his friendship ever be enough to fix this?

He's dreading getting her bloods back. Mrs Beauchamp has told him nothing, nothing but her order to get Alicia's bloods rushed through as a priority, and Alicia hasn't acknowledged them at all, barely uttering a word since he got her out of resus, but Ethan knows enough from the tests Mrs Beauchamp has ordered. She's been hiding symptoms, he'd only realised in that moment. It hadn't even occurred to him back in resus that she was in more pain than she was letting on, he was so stupid…

This could change everything.

Those blood results could break Alicia, there's no denying that.

And Ethan doesn't know if he can bear it.

He needs to pull himself together. He has to, she needs him, she needs his friendship and something about Duffy's tone told him that she knows more about this horror than she's comfortable admitting; he values her opinion above all else.

Anything.

Anything to help Alicia.

But how can he be of any use to her when he can barely cope with this himself?

Resus is empty. The worst of the RTC patients must be through by now, Ethan realises.

The calm before the storm, whatever this next storm might be.

He finally finds her in her office. He doesn't knock, doesn't even look properly to check she isn't in the middle of a meeting, spots her through the glass pane in the door and barges his way in, frantic, distraught, desperate for answers.

"Dr Hardy, as you can see, we're in the middle of something," Mrs Beauchamp snarls.

Ethan blinks, startled.

It feels as if he's arrived here on autopilot, completely and utterly controlled by rage.

Mrs Beauchamp and Elle stand beside the filing cabinet, Elle still studying a hospital printout, grimacing, Mrs Beauchamp shooting him a death glare.

"If you want to speak to me, you'll have to wait outside," she reiterates. "We're busy. I'll be with you in a moment, but as it's the end of your shift…"

"Why didn't you tell me you were running a pregnancy test?" The words tumble out of Ethan's mouth before he's quite aware of what he's done. "She's my patient! I'm treating her, you should have told me…"

"Well, because you've just shown a complete disregard for patient confidentiality, for one."

He falters, stares at Elle, takes in her expression, the enormity of his mistake slowly sinking in. "She doesn't know?"

He had assumed, in the remnants of his blind rage having stormed into Mrs Beauchamp's office to find her and Elle already preoccupied, that she already knew, that Mrs Beauchamp had deemed him incapable, deliberately kept him in the dark because she has no faith in him whatsoever any longer to treat Alicia.

He needs to treat her. Perhaps that's selfish, perhaps this is exactly what Duffy was trying to tell him, but Ethan needs to treat her. He needs to know she's alright, he needs to protect her, he knows gossip spreads like wildfire in the ED and that's the last thing Alicia needs right now, she needs someone who cares about her, someone who is going to be discrete…

She needs someone who is on her side in this whole mess, and after his conversation with Rash, Ethan isn't convinced that's going to be completely guaranteed unless he treats her himself.

This is such a mess. And to think he was so excited to be working with Eddie. He'd come into work on his day off, for god's sake, especially to see Eddie, especially to hand him the research papers he'd dug out for him in a bid to get him onto a course akin to Bea's, he'd _liked_ Eddie…

It was already a mess, but he's just gone and made it even worse, Ethan realises with a sinking feeling.

He's made it ten times worse, because it's so clear from the shock visible in Elle's features that it wasn't Alicia's results she and Mrs Beauchamp had been discussing at all.

At yet there's clearly going to be no doubt in her mind now that he's talking about Alicia, that this is all about Alicia, his angry outburst, his blurting out about the pregnancy test…

Why does he keep making everything worse?

"Dr Hardy, Dr Gardner has just been running by me the CT results of one of the RTC patients she's about to discharge." Mrs Beauchamp's tone is cold.

"I… I…"

Elle gathers up the results printouts, awkward, holds up her hands. "I should go…"

Mrs Beauchamp shakes her head. "No, you stay, Dr Gardner, I was about to come and find you anyway. Dr Hardy has been treating Alicia, but as it's coming to the end of his shift, I'd like you to take over, please. I already collected Alicia's bloodwork, but…"

"I know," Ethan blurts out. "I went to get it after I got her transferred up to the ward, they told me you'd taken them. I don't understand, I'm her doctor…"

"And you're about to finish shift," Mrs Beauchamp finishes. "It makes far more sense for Dr Gardner and I to handle this part, then you can complete the handover and…"

"It doesn't explain why you hid this from me!" Ethan protests. "I've been treating her for the last hour, for god's sake! You don't think perhaps I should have known there's a possibility she's pregnant! You could have warned me in resus, if she'd developed complications upstairs and I hadn't looked at your blood request…"

"I didn't warn you in resus because Alicia doesn't know, and unless the bloods confirmed it I thought it best it stayed that way, given the circumstances."

His heart stops, and he has to fight back the urge to vomit, to scream. "What? _Alicia_ doesn't know?"

"Dr Hardy, will you close the door, please, seeing as you seem to be in this for the long haul? We don't have time for this, we're at maximum capacity as it is." She brushes past him, swipes Alicia's remaining notes from his arms in one swift movement, hands them to Elle. "Dr Gardner, your next patient. Involved in the RTC earlier while already en route to the ED by ambulance, initially being brought in with a severe laceration to the brachial artery on the right side, dislocation to the elbow on the left side, after falling through a window. Paramedics in attendance at the scene reported she was pushed, the patient had reported the assailant to the police in the early hours of yesterday morning, for a rape that took place ten weeks ago. Primary survey was completed in resus where the patient complained of severe abdominal pain- you were booking CT, Dr Hardy," she snaps, as Ethan attempts to interrupt her. "None of the patient's injuries account for the pain reported, but there's significant abdominal distension consistent with a pregnancy of approximately ten weeks she's suffered uterine bleeding since admission and she can't tell me the date of her last period, so given the circumstances…"

"You think she's miscarrying?"

"Dr Hardy, if you'll allow me to speak, please," Mrs Beauchamp snaps. "I considered the possibility, yes. However, her bloods have come back negative, and while I'm sure we can all agree that's good news given the circumstances, that leaves our patient with…"

"Alicia, we all know it's Alicia, I don't understand why you won't…"

"… Unexplained abdominal pain, bleeding and significant distension, Dr Hardy I am not going to tell you again! But her bloods have come back confirming gonorrhoea and chlamydia."

 _Shit, Alicia, shit…_

"So you're thinking pelvic inflammatory disease?" Elle asks.

Ethan can't read her expression. She's blank, professional, engaged, but there's something else beneath her mask he can't quite place.

"I think it's a strong possibility, yes. Either way, we'll need to get her started on antibiotics, and I want her monitored overnight. Speak to gynaecology, I want someone down to examine her once you've completed obs. Dr Hardy?"

"Umm, CT came back clear," Ethan stammers. He can't focus, not after this latest revelation. He can only see Alicia, doesn't even have to close his eyes to see Alicia in resus, Alicia covered in blood, still, Alicia writhing in pain as they had tried to unstrap her from the spinal board, Alicia lying broken on a hospital trolley, covered in shards of glass, Alicia in pain…

The pain must be significant. It'll be numbed a little now after the morphine, but if pelvic inflammatory disease is looking like the most likely explanation, she must have been suffering for days, not hours. Perhaps it's worsened since they brought her in, too much to cope with on top of her latest injuries, but it would have been bad for days, maybe even weeks…

How long has she been hiding this?

He needs to focus. He needs to focus; he's no use to Alicia like this.

"Resps were raised again after transfer to CT, but she's responding well to oxygen therapy via a nasal cannula. She's maxed out on morphine, I've tried offering her tramadol but she's refusing, though I suspect she's in more pain than she's letting on with the artery repair. Her elbow needs x-raying, I've been waiting on her CT results and her bloods before I moved her down there. The alignment seems to be holding well, but still, given the circumstances I think it should be confirmed. And I think…" he hesitates; it feels like some sort of terrible betrayal, saying this out loud, even though rationally he knows he has to do this, that if Elle is going to take over her treatment she needs to be aware. "I think her respiratory issues are psychological. Panic attacks, PTSD, I don't know…"

"Okay." Ethan envies Elle's calmness, doesn't understand how she can sound so calm and collected when this is Alicia, when they're discussing Alicia, when this is all just so, so wrong. "Okay. Has she been seen by the rape crisis team?"

"I had them on standby when she was first brought in," Mrs Beauchamp answers. So she knew, Ethan realises, she already knew… she must have, of course she must have, she would have been informed by the police of Eddie's bail, suddenly it all makes sense. "I sent them back after Dr Hardy took her up for CT, it was clear she was in no fit state to speak to them."

Elle nods. "I'll book someone to come down and speak to her tomorrow provisionally. We'll see how she responds overnight."

"I can do that," Ethan offers quickly. "I'm back on shift tomorrow morning, I can…"

"Ethan," Elle says gently. "Ethan, I will take excellent care of her, alright? You have my word. You need to go home, you need to rest. Let me handle this."

He shakes his head helplessly, momentarily overwhelmed by it all. "It should never have gone this far," he despairs. "We should have noticed. Why didn't we notice? She's practically been crying out for help for weeks, for god's sake, her behaviour's been so erratic, in the two years she's been here I've never seen her have one completely unprovoked outburst, let alone as many as she's had lately, someone should have…"

"I know." Mrs Beauchamp is quiet, pensive. "If it's any consolation, our staff duty of care policy will be reviewed and should it be deemed necessary…"

"But that's absolutely no use to Alicia, can't you see that?" Ethan snaps. "That isn't going to change what he did to her, it can't take away the fact that she's had to work with him, she's had to come in here every day and watch him…"

"Ethan," Elle says softly. "Ethan, listen to me. You're no good to her like this, this isn't helping Alicia either. Go home. Get some sleep. I'm going to go up and check on her now, I'm going to get a gynaecologist down to look at her tonight even if I have to drag them myself. We'll take it from there. I'll update you at the start of your shift tomorrow, alright? You know the drill, I'll make sure she's monitored overnight, what's left of it. I'll get someone from the rape crisis team down to speak to her tomorrow once she's awake…"

"I don't think she'll speak to them, what if she won't…"

"She's my patient for this shift, let me worry about that. She's in safe hands."

"I think we're done here." Mrs Beauchamp moves to open the door, gestures to Elle and Ethan to follow. "I need to check in on the RTC victims in intensive care. Go home, Dr Hardy. Get some rest. I need you back in here 8am sharp tomorrow morning."

"Right… yes, of course." He's lost all track of days, the events of tonight having caused what must now be officially considered yesterday to blur into one long continuum with tonight, or this morning, or whatever it is. He's on shift in a few hours, perhaps Elle is right…

Except he has no faith in Mrs Beauchamp to allow him to continue treating Alicia tomorrow, if she's even still the responsibility of the ED by the time he's back on shift, and he can't leave things with Alicia like this.

It's not selfish, Ethan tells himself. This isn't about him.

This is about Alicia, and the fact that he's messed everything up with her, again, just like he always does.

Friendship. Duffy told him she needs his friendship.

He has to tell her that from now on, his friendship is exactly what she'll have, no matter what, as long as she wants it.

He races after her along the corridor, heart in his mouth. "Elle! Elle!"

She pauses, turns back towards him, expression softening with concern. "Ethan, I really think you should…"

"I just need to see her," he pleads. "I can't go home without seeing her, I need to apologise, I didn't know how to… earlier… I just messed it all up, I wanted to support her and I got it all wrong, I see that now, I need her to know… if she wants me to leave, I'll leave, I don't want to make this about me, she's the… the most important… I just… it's so hard, she doesn't deserve this, I need her to know that…"

"Ethan." Elle places her hands on his shoulders. "Ethan, listen. You need to look after yourself too. I know you want to be there for her, and I know Alicia will appreciate that."

He shakes his head adamantly, curses himself. "I seriously messed things up again with her earlier, I've been such an idiot…"

"Let me guess, you tried to be her knight in shining armour and she told you exactly what she thought of that?"

He smiles faintly, in spite of everything. "Am I really that obvious?"

"A little. She'll forgive you, Ethan."

"You don't know that."

"No, I don't," Elle admits. "But I have seen the way you two look at each other. Look, go and get changed, calm yourself down. I'll come and find you when I'm finished with her. She'll be fine, Ethan. She's going to be fine."

It's with an immense feeling of responsibility that Elle begins with her next patient.

It's always like this, of course, always harder when it's one of their own, but there's no denying that this particular instance is an exception even to that.

It's so much. In isolation, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, it would be manageable, but together…

She can understand why Ethan is so distraught.

Alicia is strong, under normal circumstances. She can completely believe it might not seem that way just now, not to Ethan, and certainly not to Alicia, but she's strong enough to get through this. Elle is sure of that.

Working out where on earth to start to get her through this first stage is the more difficult part.

"Alicia? Alicia, it's Elle, can you hear me?"

She lies propped upright on a hospital trolley, right arm elevated, left hooked up to the fluids drip, outstretched, strapped, her eyes closed, and yet her whole posture is far too tense for her to be asleep.

"Just want to sleep…"

"I know sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm going to leave you in peace soon, okay? You can sleep soon."

"Everyone keeps saying that," Alicia complains, opens her eyes for a moment and promptly squeezes them shut again, as though the brightness of the ward is too much to bear.

Her voice is weak, exhausted, all-telling of the horrors she's encountered tonight.

"Well, I'm not everyone, am I? I promise this will be as quick as we can make it. Now listen, I'm a little worried about…"

"Ethan…?" There's something about the way she says his name; confusion and hurt and guilt and pain and regret and sadness all at once.

"Ethan's gone, sweetie, his shift ended. Technically it ended a while ago, actually, and I'm not sure he was supposed to ever be on at all. You've got me for the rest of tonight, I'm not going anywhere."

"Think I… scared him off."

"No, no you didn't, Alicia. Mrs Beauchamp had to practically drag him off to the staff room. I think he's going to drop in and see you once we've got you sorted, okay?"

She nods, blinks. "I know he cares… it's just…"

"Tried to smother you?"

"How did you…?"

Elle laughs. "He's a man, and he clearly cares about you a lot. That's how. You haven't scared him off, Alicia, he's just being overprotective, and he knows that, I'm sure he does. Especially if you told him. He'll be back, and if he values your friendship as much as I think he does, he'll have taken it to heart. Now, enough about Ethan, we need to focus on you. Mrs Beauchamp said you were experiencing abdominal pain, that it came on before the crash."

Alicia grimaces, guilty. "I couldn't tell… Ethan…"

She frowns. "Why couldn't you tell Ethan?"

"I'm not stupid, Elle." She opens her eyes at last, glistening, raw. "I know… I know he's… given me something." She shudders. "I meant to… do something about it, just couldn't… in here…"

This isn't the moment, Elle decides, to point out to Alicia the lecture she would have given any patient to dare present in cubicles with her symptoms and then offer up this by the way of an excuse.

It's not exactly a direct comparison, to give Alicia credit. She could have gone to St James's, of course, straight to a specialist, but even then, the Holby medical world is small, and she wouldn't have blamed her for living in fear of anything making its way back to Eddie, too traumatised by this whole mess to remember the safety net of patient confidentiality.

"Hey, it's okay. I understand, it's okay. We got your bloods back, there's no easy way to say this, we need to get you to gynaecology. I suspect they'll want to do a laparoscopy, just so we can rule out appendicitis."

Alicia moans, closes her eyes. "Just tell me, Elle. It's not appendicitis, I know it's not appendicitis… You're thinking PID?"

Clearly, her self-diagnosis hadn't quite made it through to the end stages.

"Gonorrhoea and chlamydia. So yes, I'm afraid it's a strong possibility."

Alicia just blinks, visibly numb, stares at the oxygen tank.

She's still in shock, Elle realises. Of course she's still in shock, why wouldn't she be? Everything else would have been more than enough for her to cope with, enough to send her mind into overdrive. It's no wonder this is more than she can process for tonight.

"I'm going to take you up to gynaecology now, okay? Alicia?"

"Just do what you need to do. I don't care, I'm… I'm beyond caring. Just do it." There's no emotion in her tone any longer. No anger, no pain, no sorrow, nothing.

"Okay. Okay, gynaecology then." Elle turns away, begins gathering together the assortment of monitors and fluid drips. "And then we need to book you into orthopaedics, Mrs Beauchamp said the paramedics reduced your elbow at the scene…"

"Ruby did it," Alicia admits. "She didn't want to, I talked her through it… the door was stuck… it was that or risk… losing…"

"I know, and while I don't doubt you and Ruby did an excellent job under the circumstances, I'll be much happier once we've confirmed the positioning's correct. So, gynaecology, orthopaedics, and then I promise I will let you sleep."

"Should you still be with me? I'm not exactly emergency anymore, if you're transferring me to gynaecology, or orthopaedics, or wherever, shouldn't…"

"Let me worry about that," Elle tells her firmly. "Mrs Beauchamp's orders. You're my patient until the end of my shift."

She's silent until the porters have arrived to take her up to gynaecology, until they're halfway down the corridor, waiting for the lift.

"You're good at this," Alicia breaks the silence at last.

Elle frowns. "At what?"

"I… it's so hard to explain." Alicia shakes her head.

"So, try?"

"I feel bad just saying this… Ethan doesn't get it. He doesn't know what to say to me, he can barely… look at me…"

Elle sighs. "He's only trying to help, Alicia. He's a man. Men aren't great with this sort of situation, it takes them a while to work it out. But he will. Believe me, Alicia, if anyone will, he will. You just need to give him time."

"It's not just him. Even Mrs Beauchamp, she just…" she shudders. "The pity. I don't want her pity, I just want…"

"Everything to go back to normal? I know you do, sweetie, of course you do. And it will. New normal. Old normal is gone, I won't pretend it isn't, but new normal will start to feel okay after a while."

"See? You're good at this. You aren't looking at me like I'm broken…"

 _Are you?_ Elle wants to ask.

"No," she agrees. "No, I don't think that's helpful. But you are allowed to feel like that, Alicia. There's no shame in that."

"I don't really know how I feel, to be honest."

"No, of course you don't. It's too early for that, and that's okay too." She thinks about the woman from the rape crisis team Mrs Beauchamp has on standby for tomorrow morning.

Elle can't call this one. Alicia could be ready to pour her heart out by tomorrow morning, or she could refuse to even allow them to let the woman through the door.

It's far too early to tell how she's going to react to this.

Elle can only hope it isn't as explosively as she's been coping over the last few weeks.

"The laparoscopy confirmed a severe case of pelvic inflammatory disease," the gynaecology consult explains to Elle grimly. "She should have come in for treatment weeks ago. I mean, a registrar, of all people, she should know better…"

"And I've no doubt she does, under normal circumstances," Elle replies coldly. "And I know you're aware of the situation, I know Connie Beauchamp phoned ahead to brief you."

"I didn't mean it like that," the gynaecologist says gently. "I'm aware it's not so straightforward for rape victims. Believe me, I see this every day. But yes, had we caught this sooner, it would have saved her an awful lot of pain, and the recovery would have been much faster. I've drained the abscesses, I've got her on intravenous metronidazole, she'll need at least ten days' worth. Bring her back up if she gets any worse."

Orthopaedics, mercifully, are more sympathetic. Elle leaves Alicia to be taken to X-ray, lurks outside, helps herself to the coffee in the orthopaedics staffroom before quite frankly she needs the caffeine.

"Dr Gardner?" A nervous, uncertain voice pulls her from her only semi-conscious trance.

"Ruby?" She's changed out of her paramedic uniform, pale, shaking, dishevelled. "Ruby, you should have gone home hours ago…"

"I'm fine. I'm fine, I've… I've just come from speaking to the police, actually. About Alicia, about the scene when we arrived earlier. Yesterday, I guess now. Of course, Iain and I didn't witness the assault, but as we were at the scene…" Her eyes are red-rimmed, voice a little shaky. "Just wanted to get it over with, you know?"

"Are you alright?" Elle worries. "Ruby, you look…"

"It's just been a long shift, that's all." Ruby smiles, forced, fresh tears in her eyes. "Honestly. I'm fine. Umm… Mrs Beauchamp said you were treating Alicia?"

"Yes." Elle nods. "Did you want to check on her? I'm hoping to have her back down on a ward soon, she's very tired, she's still in shock, but I'm sure she'd like to see you."

"Are you sure? I don't want to crowd her…"

"Ruby, you won't," Elle tells her gently. "Just between the two of us, I think she could really use a friend. I'm more of a… I don't know… honorary aunt, or something. I think she'd really appreciate it if you dropped in to see her."

"Is she alright?" Ruby asks now. "Mrs Beauchamp wouldn't tell me anything…"

Elle pauses for a moment, contemplating. "She'll be fine," she says at last. "She's strong, Ruby. She'll be fine."

 **I am so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up- partly down to this taking forever to write (this one took a LOT of medical googling, I am no doctor!) and partly because of some personal stuff I have happening next week that has taken a lot longer to get organised for than I thought it would.** **Thank** **you as ever for your lovely reviews, I hope it was worth the wait!**

 **As a side note, I also have a new Casualty story, Finding Avalon, and I would love it if you gave that one a try too- although absolutely no pressure!**

 **Please do let me know what you think of this one. I am aiming to have the final Alicia/Ethan scene from episode 1 in the next chapter...**

 **-IseultLaBelle**

 **Edit: I have a two hour flight tomorrow, I will be taking my laptop and I will be using that time to write. Would you guys prefer I work on Atoms, or Finding Avalon (my other Alicia/Ethan story)? Let me know in the reviews. I will be flying at 1pm tomorrow (Monday 3rd) UK time, so I will go with the majority then.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

It's a while before the orthopaedics nurse reappears. They sit together, silent, after Elle's countless attempts to lighten the mood fall on deaf ears.

Nor is Elle, in all honesty, but there's something else wrong, she's sure of it. She doesn't know Ruby all that well, admittedly, but this isn't right, there's more to her nervousness, something Elle can't place but it's there, looming, a dark shadow she can't pin down.

But Ruby makes it perfectly clear that she isn't in the mood to talk, and so they sit in silence, waiting, and the longer they wait, the more Elle begins to worry, worries because it shouldn't take this long to assess an elbow dislocation…

"Dr Gardner," the orthopaedics nurse greets her. "Sorry for the delay. And this is…?" She glances to Ruby hesitantly.

"This is Ruby, she was the paramedic trapped with Alicia at the scene," Elle explains. "I'm sure Alicia won't mind."

"You reduced the dislocation?"

Ruby nods, fearful. "It wasn't ideal, I would have left it but her radial pulse was diminished, she insisted, she was worried about losing her arm…"

"You did an excellent job," the orthopaedics nurse assures her. "I don't see any reason she won't regain full mobility in that joint, had you left it to be treated here it might well have been a very different outcome. While she's immobilised, I don't see any need for a splint, not for the time being. Although I'll want to reassess her once you stop with the elevation on her right arm. She may need physio in a week or so, we'll monitor her, but for now it needs to be rested. There's certainly no long-term damage. I'm more worried about her breathing. We've left her on the oxygen, her resps were 16 when you brought her up here, but she's up to 24 now, tachycardic at 106, but no physiological deterioration we can see, so…"

"So you're thinking panic attack," Elle surmises. "Okay. We'll take it from here. Ruby, come with me."

"But…"

"Just trust me, Ruby, I'm not arguing with you about this." She pushes open the doors, rushes through, trusts- in good faith, or so she hopes- that Ruby will stop doubting herself for once and follow. "Alicia? It's Elle, sweetie, it's alright. You're safe. You're safe, Alicia, just relax for me."

Alicia lies limply on the trolley, eyes firmly fixed on the cannula in her hand, breathing rapid, shallow, eyes glistening, raw.

"I… can't…" Her breath comes in panicked gasps.

"Yes, you can, Alicia, nice deep breaths for me. You're fine. You're safe. I am not going to let anyone who might hurt you near you, okay? You're safe here." She's about to assure her that everyone in this room she's left her in are safe, that they're medical professionals, that of course they won't be hurting her, but then she remembers she would have applied the same logic to Eddie only a few hours earlier, and her blood runs cold.

Is Alicia afraid of being left in the presence of unfamiliar staff? Is that it? Had she committed a monumental error when she left her in here to be examined by the orthopaedics team, should she have predicted this, should she have stayed with her, lurked in the corner and watched, just in case, would that have prevented this?

"I'm going to stay with you until the end of my shift, I won't leave you unless you want me to, alright?" she promises. "You're okay. Breathe. Deep breaths, that's it. You're safe. You're safe, sweetie, it's over. It's all over." She squeezes Alicia's free hand around the cannula, cautious, conscious of overwhelming her, sending her back into that state of deep panic. "I'm going to take you back down to the ward now, we'll let you sleep. I promised I was going to let you sleep, didn't I? We're done. It's all over now, Alicia, you're safe. He's not coming back here, Mrs Beauchamp told you that, right? He's been arrested for breaking his bail, and Iain's called the police, he'll be charged with ABH. No judge will give him bail a second time, he won't be coming back here. You have nothing to worry about, okay? Everyone will be on your side, Alicia. You'll see. You're safe now."

"I'm sorry…" Alicia squeezes her eyes shut, shudders. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Hey, you've got nothing to apologise for, Alicia, okay? Absolutely nothing. I don't want to hear any of that nonsense, you don't need to apologise." She glances over at the monitor, satisfied. "Let's get you back down to the ward. Mrs Beauchamp's still trying to clear a private room for you…"

Alicia shakes her head, adamant. "I don't need that…"

"No, I know you don't think you do, but listen to me, Alicia, if someone offers you a perk like that, believe me, you take it. Relax, I need you to keep that arm still." She smiles at the porters gratefully, keeps hold of Alicia's hand as they head out onto the corridor. "And look, Ruby's come to see you."

"Hi, Alicia." Ruby's smile is awkward, nervous. "I just wanted to drop by and see you before I left, I hope you don't mind, I can go if…"

"Thank you." Alicia smiles weakly. "You were amazing, Ruby…"

"Hey, only because you helped. And how you managed that I really don't know, you were the amazing one. How… how are you feeling? I'm sorry, stupid question," Ruby stammers. "I'm sorry…"

Alicia shakes her head. "It's alright… I'm okay… thanks to you…"

"It was nothing. I'm just glad you're alright, I was worried about you, back there. I don't know if you remember…" she rummages in her handbag, glances between Elle and Alicia. "I've got your house keys and your phone, I locked up for you, do you remember that?"

Alicia shakes her head.

"Oh, that's okay, you were in shock," Ruby covers hastily as they exit the lift. "No, well, I locked up for you, I made sure your side gate was bolted. Iain called the police from the ambulance, right before it happened. They called him back an hour ago but he's been a bit… busy, you know, after everything that's happened tonight, so he gave them my number. I've just spoken to them, I… I hope you don't mind, I've said I'll go over to your place now and let them in so they can board up your patio doors. I think they want to take some photos as well, technically it's a crime scene. Anyway, so I'll get that done for you, and then I'm off tomorrow, so I thought perhaps I could phone around for you, get someone in to replace those doors properly. Only if you're okay with that, obviously, I just thought…"

"Ruby," Alicia manages weakly. "Ruby, that would be amazing. Thank you."

"You're more than welcome. And if you need anything from home, just tell me, I can bring you a bag in. It's completely fine if you don't feel comfortable with that, of course, I don't want you to…"

"No, no, honestly. I would love that. My room's the one with the mandala on the wall, if you just… whatever you think, I guess. I haven't been up there much since… it's a mess…"

"It's alright. Toiletries, clothes, that kind of thing? Okay. I'm going to go and meet the police at yours so they can secure the back door, I'll be back tomorrow morning. Oh, and here's your phone. I'll just…" she surveys the room as the nurses lift Alicia across onto the hospital bed. "I'll leave it just here for you, if you want it. Shall I bring your phone charger, as well?"

She nods gratefully. "Living room, by the sofa on the right…"

"Okay. Okay, I'll find it. I'll be back, alright? I'll see you tomorrow morning."

And then she's gone, back off down the corridor, clutching Alicia's house keys tightly in her hand.

Alicia watches her go, silent for a moment. "She didn't have to do that…"

"No, she didn't," Elle agrees. "But she's loyal, Ruby. Her heart's in the right place." She turns to the nurses, still lurking beside them. "Her hands are freezing, can we get her another blanket, please?"

"I'm okay…"

"No, no you're not, you're still in shock, and I'd be more worried if you weren't. Let the nurses do that, Alicia, you need to keep that elbow still. Is there anyone you want us to call for you, sweetie? Your mum, or…?"

Alicia shakes her head. "I can't, I can't go through it all."

"I can do that, if you want her here."

"No. I don't… I'll tell her, I just…"

"I know, I know, I understand. But you tell me if you change your mind, okay? Listen, I'm going to leave you for five minutes, is that alright? Just five minutes, I promise, I'll be back before you know it."

"S'fine." Alicia's eyes are already closed, weak, defeated.

She needs someone, Elle tells herself. She might not want her mother there, but she needs someone, and she knows just the person.

She only hopes he will play it right this time.

He's nervous, heading onto the ward to see her.

There's no logical reason to be nervous, not medically. She's recovering; that's what Elle told him when she arrived in the staff room, explained she had moved Alicia back onto a ward upstairs and she thought she could do with some company. She's recovering, still on the oxygen, heavy blood loss but recovering, she's going to be fine with time.

The trouble is, that doesn't help in the slightest. It doesn't help because Ethan isn't nervous to go in to see her because he's afraid of what state she's in physically. He's not even afraid of having to witness her reduced to a total emotional wreck, despite knowing full well that it's a real, definite possibility, despite a nagging feeling that he will be haunted by that awful, panicked gasping sound she had made in resus as they had tried to stabilise her as long as he lives.

He's afraid of messing things up with her again. He's more afraid of that than he is of anything else because he just keeps getting it wrong, because it hasn't even been just tonight, perhaps just tonight would have been ever so slightly excusable, but it isn't just tonight, it's everything, everything from the way he treated her long after the Rage in Resus revelation to dumping her for Leigh-Anne that night to blurting out his terrible confession over Scott Ellison when he should have read the signs better, when he _knew_ , deep down, that something was wrong but he blundered on and offloaded on her because he didn't think, desperately wanted to re-establish some kind of connection with her and lighten the terrible burden he was carrying and he just didn't think, how could he have been so stupid, it's so clear now what she was really trying to tell him that ill-fated night at her flat and he missed it, he bulldozed in as she was trying to explain to him the horrors she had been put through at the hands of Eddie and he wouldn't give her a chance to explain, thought he knew everything, he's such an idiot…

Ethan isn't convinced that he's what Alicia needs right now, isn't entirely sure he trusts himself not to make it all worse all over again. Elle had seemed adamant, had insisted that Alicia would appreciate his company, but does she really know? She could just be thinking that Alicia shouldn't be by herself, she could have other patients she needs to deal with, no time to sit with her, or she could have made the crucial error of believing that he and Alicia are still as close as they used to be before he became clinical lead well before he was ready and everything went so horribly wrong between them.

He might be exactly the wrong person to be with her, might be as far from what she needs as it's physically possible to be.

But that doesn't mean Ethan isn't going to try.

He hesitates as he spots her bed from the doorway, almost turns around and decides it's all a terrible mistake, heads back to the staffroom and crashes out on the sofas until it's time for his shift and he can approach her again in the capacity of her doctor, safe, hiding behind a stethoscope…

And yet as the F1 on duty replaces her notes and Alicia tilts her head back, closes her eyes, the expression of someone utterly exhausted and sick of it all and then she glances back over at him just as he's hovering by the foot of her bed and beginning to think better of it, returns his awkward, wary smile and she's just Alicia, his Alicia, dressing stuck across her forehead, blood in her hair, right arm elevated and left motionless by her side, covered in cuts and bruises, hooked up to the oxygen and the IV lines and the monitors, but she's still Alicia.

And all of a sudden, despite his nerves, Ethan knows this is the only place he needs to be.

"Here I stand, atoms with consciousness," he begins, a little anxious, but there's something in her eyes that tells him to continue. "Matter with curiosity. A universe of atoms, an atom in the universe. Do you remember that?" he asks her, but Alicia shakes her head, the smile fading from her lips as her eyes close, exhausted, struggling to recall, and so he fills in the missing pieces for her. "You added that to my dating profile."

Ethan had intended for it to be light-hearted, teasing, but somehow it seems to have to opposite effect and all of a sudden Alicia is shaking her head more adamantly, dismissive, every part of her body language seemingly pushing him away. "Ethan, you really don't have to…"

"I know," he says softly. "But if it's okay, I really want to."

She holds his gaze for a moment, eyes telling him everything he needs to know.

She's okay with this.

She wants him to stay.

"I never told you, but that's one of my favourite quotes," he continues, and she exhales, the faintest trace of laughter in her features. "You have a favourite quote?" she asks. She's tired, Ethan realises, her accent stronger than usual; it's always this way when she's tired.

He had forgotten how endearing he's always found it, until now.

It's been such a long time.

He laughs. "Yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

"No." Her voice is more of an agonised, exhausted moan now, caught somewhere between joking with him, at ease, and struggling against horrific pain, and yet she's laughing with him, strangely at peace, somehow.

He's missed seeing her smile like that.

"Okay." He smiles, flushes a little. "Well, it was one of the moments that I realised I loved being around you," he admits, serious now. "And I know that with… everything, that's happened, I haven't been there for you, recently, and I'm so sorry. But I am now. Okay?"

She closes her eyes, looks down again, fighting back the tears, and yet she nods, weak, drained, vulnerable, and he's missed her so much. She reaches out with her left hand- the dislocation arm- manages only the tiniest gesture but it's enough, Ethan works out what she wants instantly and he makes his way over to her side, perches on the edge of her hospital bed and reaches for her hand, smiles at her because it's going to be alright, because _they_ are going to be alright, he knows it.

If she can get through this, she can get through anything.

They stay like that for a few moments, Alicia's small, cold hand and a cannula, several strips of tape and plastic tubing encased gently in both of his, smiling at one another weakly, emotionally exhausted and yet strangely relaxed, well and truly stood down after the hardest battle.

"How are you feeling?" Ethan asks softly, breaking the silence at last. "Sorry, I know that's a stupid question…"

Alicia shakes her head. "S'okay. I can't feel much, in my arm… thank god for morphine…" She closes her eyes, winces.

"Not taking the edge off all of it, I take it?"

The look in her eyes tells him all he needs to know.

"Do you want me to call Elle back? I know you're on maximum morphine, I did that, but they might be able to…"

"Mrs Beauchamp said… tramadol… for… do you know?" Her eyes glisten with tears, and Ethan can't lie to her.

"I saw your blood results," he admits. "I was still on shift then, Mrs Beauchamp made me sign off right after we got your bloods back."

Alicia nods, numb, accepting. "It's PID. Bad PID."

 _Oh Alicia…_

He wants to pull her into his arms and tell her it's all going to be alright, comfort her, but even if it weren't for all the damage that's already been done to her tonight, damage Ethan knows he could easily worsen, it wouldn't be fair.

Alicia doesn't need him lusting over her; that has to be the furthest thing from her mind now, in light of everything that's happened.

No, Alicia needs him to support her from a respectful distance, and that's exactly what he plans to do.

"I'm sorry," he says gently, heartfelt. It feels so stupid, speaking those words out loud to her, and yet it's all he can come up with, because there's absolutely nothing in the world Ethan can say to make this better, nothing at all. "I'm so sorry, Alicia."

She shakes her head. "Not… your fault."

She's one step ahead of him. Even maxed out on morphine she's sussed him out, realised he's going to be blaming himself for any painful reminders of that night.

He would do anything to turn the clock back. If only he could go back to that moment, take back his fatal error- because he would far rather have spent the evening with Alicia, if truth be told, and that just makes it all so much worse. If only he had taken that opportunity for what it was and ended things with Leigh-Anne there and then, if only he had put a stop to it all and taken Alicia to the pub that night, she would have been safe, Eddie would have kept away and even if he had come near her, Ethan would have warned him off, he would have kept her safe, he would have sensed something was wrong and he would have kept her safe, he would have known…

Wouldn't he?

The brutal reality of this horrible mess is slowly beginning to sink in.

Ethan isn't sure he would have known, in all honestly, and that's a painful realisation to come to terms with.

And so he just squeezes Alicia's hand for a moment, lost for words, as though perhaps if he holds onto her hand tightly enough, maybe, just maybe, he can transfer some of his energy to her, hold her together until she's strong enough to manage it herself.

"Are you sure you don't want the tramadol?" he asks at last, concerned. "Morphine won't touch pelvic pain, but the tramadol should help."

She shudders, can't quite meet his gaze, looks down. "I'm sure."

"Okay." Ethan knows better than to push this. "Okay. But everything else is… you know…?" He blushes, curses himself, hopes desperately she doesn't notice.

He's a doctor, for god's sake. He's a doctor and she has Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, she must be in agony, and he's blushing like some kind of pathetic schoolboy.

Alicia pulls a face. "Apart from the fact I look bloody pregnant."

"Don't be so silly." She's right, of course though he would never tell her that. Ethan can't understand how he missed it before, the undeniable swell of her middle, distinct, so much so that under ordinary circumstances he wouldn't understand how _she_ has missed it, because it's so clear that she has, so clear from the element of surprise and confusion and haziness in her tone, as though she's emerging from a long, dark tunnel, confused, scared, lost within her own body.

Why didn't he realise something was wrong? Why didn't he push her, persuade her to open up, why didn't he listen when she tried the first time? It's so horribly clear now that she's barely been functioning these last few weeks, that she's been going through the motions but she's never quite been there, been present, so clear that all those incidents at work when she's snapped, when she's frozen, broken down over nothing, refused to talk, isolated herself, the signs have been there all along and he's missed them every time…

"You've always been a terrible liar."

"Alicia, you do not look pregnant." He glances up at the IV stand, checks for the antibiotics. "Even if it's a bad case of it, once gynaecology have drained the abscesses…"

The glare she shoots him, despite everything, is a strange combination of petty triumph and utter, humiliated defeat. "Already did that. God, they're full of themselves, I know Mrs Beauchamp called them in advance but they were still looking at me like I was some sort of…"

"Hey, no one who matters thinks that," Ethan tells her gently. "It's just a nasty infection, Alicia, it'll clear up."

They both know the facts, of course, know that it might not be as simple as that, that absolute worst-case scenario she's looking at potential infertility and it wouldn't have been like this had she only managed to get her head around visiting a clinic weeks ago, seem to have reached a silent agreement that this is not the moment to bring it up.

"So you're saying everyone knows?" There's visible panic in her eyes now, total embarrassment.

"What? No, no, of course not," he covers hurriedly. "Just… when the police came to arrest Eddie, he wouldn't come quietly, they had to do it outside the ED and Rash and Charlie, I think, were in the middle of a patient transfer…"

The little colour that's left in Alicia's face drains rapidly.

"Alicia, everyone is going to be on your side," he insists softly. "I promise. No one is going to bring it up, you don't have to worry about that, and you have my full support, you have Mrs Beauchamp's… You have no reason to worry about this. Okay? Let's just focus on getting you better." He squeezes her hand again, held tight in both of his. "And once we've got you out of here, you do realise we have a date with that Italian by your new place?"

"We still do?"

"Hey, if that's what you want, of course we do. I'll book us a table, as soon as you're discharged."

Alicia hesitates.

"Unless you don't want to, Ethan covers hurriedly. "In which case that's fine, it's fine, I understand…" God he's an idiot, it's too much too soon, he should have known, he should never have pushed her…

She shakes her head. "It's not that. I'm thinking of ditching meat and dairy, going vegan."

His face must say it all, because she continues, voice laced with that same fatigue she'd shaken free of for a while when he first came in. "Just for a year, maybe. To see. I did no men and no drinking for a year, I mean, needless to say…" she shudders, and it's so painfully obvious what she's thinking, what she's regretting. "Kind of like a fresh start, rebirth, I guess…" she blushes. "I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Okay. Well, I'll look up their menu online then, see if we need to reconsider." Her logic makes no sense to Ethan, but god knows she's been through something horrifically traumatic, and if this is going to make her feel better for the time being he's perfectly happy to humour her. "Just don't, you know. Dye your hair bright green or something. Can't see Mrs Beauchamp taking kindly to that."

"I've got two broken ribs, stop making me laugh," Alicia insists, but her expression betrays her, face breaks slowly into a smile.

"Hey, I'm sorry." He reaches out slowly, tentatively, brushes stray hair behind her ear. Her resps are down, Ethan notes; perhaps he isn't so terrible at this after all. "Listen, if you want, I could go back to your place, get you some clean clothes…"

"Ruby's already on that. But thank you."

Is it terrible Ethan is secretly glad Ruby has this in hand, glad because it means he can stay with her until his shift starts come morning?

Alicia sighs heavily. "But how I'm going to get this thing off with two useless arms, I really don't…"

"You don't need to worry about that, we can get someone to…"

"No, no, I don't want that, I just… I need some control, I just feel so out of control…" All of a sudden, she's crying again, fragile, and Ethan's heart breaks for her, because this is something he does understand, and understanding doesn't make it any easier knowing what to do about it.

"I know. I know, but it won't be for long. You're alright, Alicia, you're alright. You'll work it out." There's so much he wants to tell her, so much that's going to be far too much too soon, freak her out, and he can't put any pressure on her, not after this, it would be so unfair.

"Do you want me to call anyone?" Ethan tries instead. "I could call your mum…"

"Elle already offered," she shakes her head. "I know I need to tell her, I just… I've kind of been avoiding her for weeks, I couldn't face it…"

"Alicia, if you're worried about telling her…"

"I'm not, I just… not right now, it's the middle of the night, she'll only worry…"

"Okay," he sighs softly. "Okay, if that's what you want." He's always been under the impression that Alicia is close to her parents, particularly to her mother after that whole fiasco with her father and his business partner and the anniversary party that had ended in yet another separation, refuses to believe her mother is going to be anything but supportive.

Having her mum here would help, Ethan reasons. It's hardly going to make matters worse.

The trouble is, all the time she's perfectly conscious and alert and insisting she doesn't want him to call her parents, going against her wishes and digging out her next of kin details is only going to lead to her pushing him away, and Ethan knows it only too well.

"What time is it?"

He glances at his watch, only realising how tired he is as the numbers blur, slightly out of focus. "Two ten. Listen, you can kick me out any time, okay? I won't be offended, it's late and you've had the evening from hell, you need to get some sleep."

Ethan had thought he was saying the right thing, but Alicia's reaction proves he had managed anything but.

"No." She shakes her head, adamant, almost a little panicked. "No, no, I… I want you to stay…"

Ethan decides this isn't the moment to ask her if she's frightened of being left by herself.

"Okay. Okay, I'm staying, then. Though I still think you should get some sleep." He sighs, taking in her pained expression. "Alicia, are you sure you don't…"

But before he can finish, the door swings open, and there's a sudden flurry of activity from the corridor; loud, too loud for the middle of the night on a recovery ward, and Ethan's first instinct is to storm over and tell whoever it is to stop, that visiting hours are over (he may have abused his position as a doctor, albeit an off-duty one, in order to get himself onto the ward) and even if they weren't, this would arguably be too much noise, disrespectful to the other patients.

That is, until he realises the sudden invasion is Elle and Mrs Beauchamp, with two porters and a police officer in tow.

"Alicia? Alicia, we're going to move you now, okay?" Mrs Beauchamp explains quickly, authoritatively. "A private room's finally become available in gynaecology, I can just about justify transferring you up there through the system so we're going to take you over now. Dr Gardner's going to stay with you for tonight and we'll transfer you over officially tomorrow, alright?" Immediately she's collecting up Alicia's notes, hands her phone to Ethan from the side table, stands back to make way for the hospital trolley. "Right, we need to transfer her, can I get some help over here, please? No, Alicia, I need you to let us do this, okay, we need to get you out of here quickly. Dr Hardy, I know you're off duty but I need you to handle the monitor, please."

There's something wrong, Ethan realises. Alicia must have caught onto it too, because she's silent, complies with a slightly shell-shocked look of confusion etched across her features. He can think of no logical reason to move her off the ward in the middle of the night, no reason to cause so much commotion for the other patients, for the presence of the police officer…

"Can't this wait?" Ethan snaps. "It's two in the morning, for goodness sake, can't he just take her statement in the morning?"

"Oh, he will be, there's no way I'd allow a police interview at this hour," Mrs Beauchamp agrees briskly. "This isn't about that."

"Then what…"

"That isn't important right now, Dr Hardy, let's just get her moved upstairs."

"This isn't fair, she's exhausted, there must be something you're not…"

"Dr Hardy, I am not going to ask you again! Now, please. We need to move her now."

"What's wrong with her?" Ethan panics, because it's the only explanation, the only reason he can think of they could need to rush her out of here now. "You said her scans were clear, you said…"

"I wasn't going to do this in front of Alicia right now, but as you've given me no choice," Mrs Beauchamp snaps. "You're fine, Alicia. Nothing's changed, your results are good. We've just had a call from the police, I don't want you to panic. Eddie fled the scene before they arrived, they haven't been able to track him down yet, so given the circumstances, we're going to get you up to a private room, the police are going to cover the door just until they have him in custody. There's absolutely nothing to worry about, alright? Let us do the worrying. Dr Hardy, I won't tell you again, I need you to bring that monitor."

It's several moments later, releasing the breaks on Alicia's vital signs monitor, that Ethan realises his hands are shaking.

 **I am so sorry once again for the delay! I moved countries earlier this week and it was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done, so it's taken me a few days to organise my life and get back to writing. Still haven't sorted the organising my life part, but I did finally manage to get some writing done this evening. And I'm not convinced I like this chapter, but I've obsessed over it for too long now. I hope you liked it more than I do!**

 **As ever, reviews would be hugely appreciated (and you would make me feel better!), let me know if you would like me to continue this into the episode 2 and onward storylines. And if you have any requests, I take those too, provided I can work them into the story :)**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Alicia, you need to try and get some sleep, you must be exhausted," Ethan tries again. "It's practically morning, no one should pull twenty-four hours awake off shift."

Alicia shakes her head. The lights are dimmed- one of the many advantages of a private room- but still her eyes are half closed, wincing, as though it's too bright, a telling sign that she's badly in need of rest, but it's perfectly clear from her tense posture, the pain in her face, the worry, that she's a long way from drifting off to sleep. "Didn't sleep… last night… I had… police report…"

She's talking in fragments again, Ethan notes; that's never a good sign. Automatically, he glances across at her monitor; her heart rate has her bordering on tachycardic again, resps raised, but there's nothing else on her stats to explain the shift, nothing physiological…

He doesn't know what to do. He's taken Duffy's words to heart, vowed to give Alicia his unconditional friendship, but how much good can his friendship really do in a situation like this?

"All the more reason to get some sleep now, then," he tells her. "Alicia, it's alright. You're alright, you've got nothing to be worried about. I'm going to stay right here with you…"

"Aren't you on shift?"

"Well, yes, I'm on shift at eight," Ethan admits. "But Elle will stay with you until her shift finishes, I'll go and find Mrs Beauchamp, I'm going to persuade her to let me work up here this shift, so I can stay with you."

"She'll never agree to that."

"Hey, don't underestimate my powers of persuasion," he teases her, but she shakes her head again.

"We must be so… understaffed… there's me, Bea…" she trails off, shudders. "She won't, Ethan. She won't."

"Let me worry about that, okay? We'll work something out. You shouldn't be on your own, I'll tell her you shouldn't be on your own."

"She'll just… phone Mam and Dad…"

"Alicia. Alicia, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to wait until you're ready to tell your parents." He's firm now, gentle but firm, because the last thing he wants to do is push her away but he needs her to understand this, he can't watch her struggle with guilt over this. "You've been in an RTC, you've been assaulted, you've had a traumatic evening by anyone's standards. There's no pressure. If you change your mind and you want us to call them, we can, we can give them minimal details…"

She shakes her head again. "They'll know this isn't… just… won't they?"

Ethan doesn't have it in him to lie to her, not after everything. He needs her to trust him; if she's going to get through this, she needs to trust someone, because she can't look after herself right now, not psychologically, Ethan suspects, and certainly not physically. And yet it's perfectly clear that her trust has been utterly shattered by that night with Eddie, and no part of Ethan can blame her. So much of her behaviour over the last few weeks makes sense now; she's been angry, traumatised, desperately trying to make sense of it all in her head and pushing away anyone who's tried to get too close to her because it's too painful, because what he had intended to come across as friendly gestures, looking out for her, checking she's alright, over the last few weeks have surely come across to Alicia as a potential threat.

He needs her to realise she can trust him, and he's certainly not going to win her trust by lying to her. She isn't stupid, even on a high morphine dose and traumatised and fighting sleep she's intelligent enough to know if he's lying.

"I think they'd probably realise there's more to this than just what happened tonight, yes," Ethan admits softly. "Have… have you seen them, since…?"

"I couldn't…"

"No, I know, I understand. Listen, let's just concentrate on getting you better for now, and then we'll come up with a plan for that. You don't need to worry about that right now. I'm going to go down when my shift starts at eight and talk to Mrs Beauchamp, see if we can come up with something. But that's not for another four hours yet. So try to get some sleep, okay? You're safe. The police are out looking for him, Alicia, he broke bail, it's going to be an arrest and bail set higher this time, if it's offered at all. And if he does try to come here, and he'd be stupid to, he's got to get past the police officer outside the door first. And I'm not going to let anything happen to you, okay? You're safe here."

She looks at him for a moment as though she's going to tell him something, but then she looks away instead, embarrassed, avoids his gaze. "I hate this," she says simply at last.

She's said so little, but to Ethan, it's so clear what she wants him to know.

"It'll pass. It's okay to be scared, it's perfectly understandable. You aren't going to feel like this forever."

"So why does it feel like I will?" She's crying now, openly, and Ethan's heart breaks for her.

"Because this is just the start. It is going to get better from here, Alicia, it's just going to take time. I should have… I knew something was wrong, I wish… I wish I'd been there for you, recently," he settles on at last. "But I'm here now, anything you need. It's going to get better from here, but you're allowed to feel vulnerable right now, that isn't weakness. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about that. So if there's anything you need, if you want me to wake you before I go, anything like that, you only have to tell me."

The way she looks at him in that moment, it's so obvious his suspicions are correct. "Do you mind? I know it's stupid…"

"Hey, it's not stupid. It's far from stupid. If that would make you feel better, we can do that. But get some sleep now, okay?" He grips her hand tighter, settles into the hospital chair. "Everything's fine, Alicia. Everything's going to be fine."

Ethan doesn't take his eyes off her for the next two hours, not even for a moment. Quite simply, it feels wrong to; he's promised her that he's going to keep her safe, and if that's what it takes for her to surrender to sleep willingly then it would be wrong to break his promise, wrong to look away because at the first sign of nightmares, flashbacks, respiratory distress, anything, he needs to know.

What exactly he would do were she to start tossing and turning and crying out in her sleep, Ethan isn't sure; there's a line that he won't cross, can't cross, unless she makes clear to him that's something she wants, and he knows that might be never, at the very least, won't be for a long time yet.

Thankfully, he doesn't have to worry about that. Alicia just sleeps, still, peaceful, comatose, so much so that had Ethan not been there with her, known otherwise, he would have assumed she had been given a sleeping pill.

She's exhausted, he reasons. She's beyond exhausted. No wonder, if she hadn't slept the night before, either; that was the day she had slapped Bea in the middle of the ED, he remembers now, perhaps that had been the catalyst, the point at which she had realised that something had to change.

He can't believe she's been sleeping much at all since it happened, now he comes to think of it; she's looked dead on her feet for weeks, brushed off his worrying about her with a new excuse every time that he's never quite believed but never pushed, stupid, how could he have been so stupid…

There's no point beating himself up about that now, of course. Ethan knows that.

Alicia doesn't need him to regret what's already done and unchangeable, she needs him to take action now to help her through this.

His head is such a mess he barely registers the passing of those first two hours. He wouldn't be surprised if Alicia slept well into the early hours of the afternoon, if this continues, feels considerably guilty about having to wake her in another two hours' time, but he promised her, after all, he told her he would wake her rather than disappear whilst she was asleep, and that he will do if it's what it takes to help her through this.

But he can't sleep himself; his mind is racing, raped… she was raped… Eddie… he hadn't noticed… all this time she's had to deal with him at work, all the signs were there, her asking to swap mentees, the violent outbursts and strange behaviour he realises now had almost always coincided with Eddie working alongside her, shit…

It would be wrong to sleep even if he could, Ethan decides. That's how he justifies his standing guard at her bedside, at least, squeezes her hand every once in a while, just in case subconsciously she needs a reminder that he's there, that she's safe, that no one is going to be permitted to hurt her all the time he's sat here keeping watch. He promised her she would be safe, that she could sleep because he would keep her safe, and so it would quite simply be wrong to sleep himself, leave her unprotected.

He's going to fix this, Ethan vows to himself. No, not fix; fix implies that everything can be returned to how it was before, that he can make this go away, and he can't do that, Duffy made that quite clear.

He's not quite sure what the right word is, but somehow, he's going to make this all as close to fixed as he possibly can, for her, for Alicia.

She isn't going to cope well with being discharged, he can see it coming already. That might be a while off yet, of course. He's read the notes on the stand at the foot of her bed; it's not so wrong, he tells himself, not when he wrote the first half of them and if he has his way he will be picking back up where he left as her doctor come 8am, will have to read the half overseen by Elle anyway. It's perfectly clear from Alicia's notes and the dosage of antibiotics she's on currently that she's going to be in hospital for a while yet, that her dosage is going to have to remain intravenous for the time being, hospital based. But she's going to have to be discharged long before her left arm is fully healed, at the very least, and with Bea gone she'll have no one to help her.

He's going to have to help her break it to her parents somehow, Ethan decides. Her mum, at least. She can't go home by herself with one, potentially two, bandaged arms on top of all her other injuries, that's just a disaster waiting to happen, and there's no question of him imposing himself upon her in order to help her in that respect… just the thought of it makes him blush but no, it wouldn't be fair on Alicia, this isn't about him. He doubts Alicia would even trust him, male, to brush the tangle of knots out of her hair just now, and no part of him can blame her, not after Eddie. Perhaps this is a few days away yet, but someone is going to have to start thinking about this now, Alicia is certainly in no fit state to.

He doesn't know what to do, sitting watching her sleep that night. It's the time to think; in a way it's a blessing, being here, because he can see her, because he knows she's sleeping, nightmare free, stats as normal as can be expected after involvement in an RTC, but in a way, it's a curse. The more time he has to sit and think, watching her, the more problems he's encountering, playing it out in his mind, despairing.

She doesn't deserve this. Alicia doesn't deserve this, she deserves someone who's going to cherish her, not take advantage of her as brutally as Eddie did.

Ethan doesn't know if he can bear to hear her police statement, when that moment comes. He'll have to, if she wants him there, won't fail her if she wants him there, but quite how, he doesn't know.

He doesn't even want to think about what might have happened prior to that 999 call.

He hardly even notices Elle re-entering the ward. She's been checking in, sporadically, though mostly confined to the ED now he's up here with Alicia, Ethan suspects, given how understaffed they will be tonight, Eddie was supposed to be on shift, same with Bea, before her trauma course placement came through, Alicia is supposed to be on in the next few hours…

God, this is such a mess.

Eddie has created such a mess.

"How is she?" Elle asks quietly. She seems to have more or less accepted that Ethan is practically doing the monitoring of an on-shift doctor, that it's unrealistic to expect anything less with the vitals monitor at his disposal. "Her stats look good…"

Ethan nods, weary. "She's sleeping," he says simply. "I think she's going to be out for a while. She wants me to wake her before I'm on shift, I don't think it would be fair to go back on that, after everything that's happened…" He pauses for a moment, hoping Elle will catch on. "But she's exhausted. She's going to make herself worse if she carries on like this, she didn't want to sleep, at all, I don't know if she's scared to…" he shakes his head helplessly. "She told me she didn't sleep last night, either, two nights ago now, I guess, it sounds as though she went straight to the police after work. But she's looked exhausted for weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if she's barely slept since it happened, I should have realised…"

"You couldn't have known," Elle tells him gently. "You couldn't have known it was this, Ethan, it could have been anything. You couldn't have made her talk if she didn't want to, that would have got you nowhere. She had to try and work through this by herself if that's what she wanted to do, and I know that's hard to accept. I'm going to stall the police as long as I can," she tells him. "The police will want a statement, whoever takes over when my shift ends, I'll be telling them we need to hold the police off, let her sleep."

He nods. "I'm going to talk to Mrs Beauchamp, I know we're understaffed, but… I don't think she should be by herself," he tells her, adamant; it's not Elle he needs to convince, of course, but he's rehearsing, running through it all in his head. "I can't persuade her to call her parents and I can't really blame her, I don't think she's mentally strong enough to deal with that right now and we can't force her, we can't call them against her wishes. I just think…" He trails off, suddenly aware of raised voices in the corridor outside, not quite loud enough to distinguish quite what's being said but loud enough that it's noticeable, gaining volume.

Alicia stirs, winces, face suddenly troubled.

"I'll go and see what's going on," Elle says quickly. Perhaps something of Ethan's frustration is painfully evident, despite his best attempts to hide it. "It's not even a Friday night, for goodness sake, it's not as if…"

But she doesn't make it as far as the corridor.

"I can't let you in there, you need to come with me…"

"I don't care, I need to speak to her!"

"You can say anything you want to say at the station, I cannot let you in there!"

"You don't understand, whatever she's told you, she's twisted everything!"

"Like I said, mate, this isn't the place to be arguing about this! I _cannot_ let you go in there and speak to her, you need to leave, now, you need to report to the station now or you'll be…"

"Let go of me!"

And then the door bursts open, and Eddie charges through the doorway, closely followed by the on-guard police officer.

And to Ethan's horror, Alicia blinks, winces, then almost seems to startle herself awake. "No…"

She might well think she's dreaming, Ethan realises. Perhaps she still believes she's dreaming, that once she's awake properly this nightmare will be over, except Eddie is here, really here, stormed into her hospital room, and Ethan has failed once again to protect her.

"It's alright," he murmurs, desperate, knowing it's all over and yet it's all he can think to do. "It's alright, Alicia, go back to sleep…"

"Alicia!" Eddie bellows, struggling against the police officer. "Alicia, you have to tell them…!"

The rest of Eddie's words fade into nothing for Ethan, meaningless. All he can focus on is Alicia, Alicia now very much awake, Alicia opening her eyes at precisely the wrong moment, Alicia frozen, rabbit in the headlights, gaze firmly fixed upon Eddie in the doorway as though afraid that should she take her eyes off him for even a moment she will have to live that nightmare all over again.

It's all so woefully predictable. Ethan doesn't need to glance across at the monitor to know her resps are rising, climbing back up towards the tachycardic zone again, after all their efforts. Her grip on his hand intensifies, as though she's clinging onto him, and then she's retching, panicked, clearly fighting so hard to hold herself together in the face of this and struggling desperately, too much for her.

"Right, I need you out, now!" Elle shouts angrily. "Dr McAllister! She's in no state for visitors, I need you out, right now!"

"No!" Alicia cries, clenches her eyes shut. "No, please, I can't…"

And then before Ethan can react, she's half-leant, half collapsed, over the side of the bed and vomited, shaking, surrendered, as though in her head this is something very different and there's no affecting the outcome, nothing she can do to change what's coming next except to beg and plead and cling to hope Ethan suspects was shattered to pieces weeks ago.

"Please," she whispers, breath coming in gasps. "Please…"

 **Once again, I am so sorry for the delay, this week has been** **incredibly** **intense and these chapters seem to be taking so much longer to write than chapters of my other Casualty** **story at the moment, it's mostly because of all the medical research I tend to do for this one, but I really did want to make this as realistic as possible. I hope the wait was worth it! I've been struggling with this one for a few days now but the Ethan/Alicia scenes in last week's episode totally turned this chapter around, those will be fuelling my writing for weeks I think. Did you enjoy the episode as much as I did?**

 **I'm sorry too for the cliffhanger, it just seemed like the best place to cut it off. I'm sorry! Thank you as ever for your wonderful reviews, you guys are incredible motivation. And I would love to know your thoughts on this one.**

 **Are you happy with the current viewpoint balance, or would you like more Alicia?**

 **-IseultLaBelle**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Please tell me I got him."

"Oh, his shoes were definitely vomit-splattered when the police dragged him out, believe me, I was looking." Elle places her hands gently on Alicia's shoulders, guides her back down. "Come on, sweetie, you need to rest. The police will take care of everything from here, he won't get bail again, not after breaking his conditions like that the first time. You don't need to worry about anything now, you just need to get some rest."

"Will I have… to… statement?"

She's slurring her words now, Ethan realises grimly, eyes closed, shaky, disorientated. She needs the tramadol, he can't for the life of him understand what she suddenly has against pain relief…

"You will, but I've been holding them off, and I'll tell whoever takes over your care when I come off shift at eight to do the same. You need to get some rest first. There's no rush. They've got him in custody now, Mrs Beauchamp's already arranged for your forensic report to be sent over, I think Iain and Ruby have given their statements. They've got plenty to keep him in police custody, they can wait a few more hours for your statement. The only thing you need to worry about just now is recovering. Are you sure you don't want any tramadol?" Elle tries. "Alicia?"

Alicia shakes her head firmly; violently, almost.

"I'm just worried we aren't managing your pain particularly effectively on just morphine, sweetie, that's all. You know as well as I do, morphine isn't going to touch pelvic pain, you need tramadol for that…"

"I don't want it."

"Alicia. The gynaecology consultant said severe inflammation, you must have been experiencing significant pain for a while now…"

"And I've… managed… until now… I don't need…"

Her left arm flails out sideways wildly, and instinctively, Ethan catches her hand in his, places her arm back down beside her, elbow supported, before he's quite realised what he's done and then panics, because what if this is her heading into flashback territory, what if she's frightened, convinced he isn't him at all, that he's Eddie, that he's going to hurt her, and he's just gone and grabbed hold of her without offering her a verbal prompt, without reassuring her of his motives, stupid., stupid…

And then Alicia grips onto his hand tightly, squeezes, almost as though she knows, as though trying to tell him she wants him to stay, and those fears fade away.

He doesn't know what he's doing; that's the truth of it. He's painfully out of his depth, just as he was when she was first brought in, when Rash broke the news to him outside resus, when Duffy finally talked some sense into him, made him see how badly he was messing it all up.

Not a lot has changed, not really. He still doesn't have a clue how to do this, how to help her cope with all the horrors she's had to face alone over the last few weeks.

But he knows what not to do now, at least, knows not to smother her, not to try to fix it all for her.

Perhaps this is what she needs.

Perhaps she just needs to know that he's here, that he's willing to be whatever she needs him to be.

"Okay," Elle sighs. "Okay. I'll be back to check on you later, but if you change your mind, you just send Ethan to find me."

"I won't."

"I know, but if you do, tramadol's an option. Get some sleep. You'll feel better once you've had some proper rest."

"Does… does Mrs Beauchamp… know…"

"Does she know what? Alicia?"

"I'm… on shift… Monday…"

Elle practically laughs. "No, you're not. Mrs Beauchamp isn't expecting you anywhere near the ED until that arm's healed, at least. That, I promise you. She said she talked to you about this, when you were in resus, you don't remember?"

Alicia shakes her head slowly, eyes squeezed shut.

"It's okay. It's okay, sweetie, you were in shock, I'm not surprised you don't remember. You're on open ended leave, Mrs Beauchamp organised that, she's not expecting you back in work for a few weeks, at least. The last thing you need to be worrying about is work, right now we just need to be concentrating on getting you better. You get some rest, alright? I'll turn the lights down again. Oh, and Alicia?"

Alicia blinks wearily, sleep finally beginning to claim her again.

Elle gestures towards Ethan from the doorway. "Look after him."

Weakly, Alicia smiles.

She falls into a light, troubled sleep, after that.

It's as though she can't switch off, Ethan contemplates, not completely, as though all the trauma of the last forty-eight hours has finally become too much and she can't keep herself awake any longer, but at the same time she's wary of allowing herself to sink into unconsciousness, on guard, frightened, hardly Alicia as he knows her at all.

Is she ever going to be the same again?

What if this is it, what if she never recovers? What if it's already too late, what if this is the beginning of the end and their opportunity to realise just how badly she was struggling and intervene, get her help, guide her through this, passed by a long time ago, what if there's nothing that can be done for her now?

It's so clear, looking back now, that she's been on self-destruct for weeks; he's just been too self-absorbed, wrapped up in his own problems with Leigh-Anne and Scott to see it clearly.

What if this is how it's going to be from now on, what if she just keeps spiralling out of control, keeps lashing out, losing control at work… she's thin, thinner than he remembers her being a few months ago, back when he was acting clinical lead, when he was still paying attention…

He's let her down so badly.

And yet she still wants him here with her.

How can she still want him here when he's let her down so badly?

He doesn't sleep, those next few hours. He still can't get his head around it, even now, even knowing that Eddie is in police custody, that there's no longer any threat to her, that she's safe.

It feels disloyal to sleep while she is, all the time he knows she must surely still be feeling so vulnerable.

Perhaps she doesn't need a knight in shining armour, but that isn't to say she doesn't need him to help her feel safe.

He feels as though he should be planning, attempting to take control of the situation a little, as he holds her hand, watches her sleep. It's the last thing she needs, Ethan does know that; Duffy made it perfectly clear, but at the same time, all he wants to do is help her, come up with something, anything, to help her through the next few days.

Weeks, even, months, maybe even years.

This isn't something anything or anyone but time can fix.

Maybe even then, she'll never quite get there completely.

He needs to persuade her to tell her mum, Ethan decides. Even once she's through with the antibiotics, once she can be discharged, it's not going to be simple even physically. She can't go home to an empty house, overuse of her arms is only going to result in long-term damage, they can't allow her to take that risk at the grand old age of twenty-eight.

She needs someone to support her once she's out of hospital- practically, if nothing else- someone that she'll trust, someone she might open up to, and Ethan's almost certain that person cannot be him.

Both of her arms are going to be out of action for at least the next week, and he can't be the one to help her wash her hair, help her change, anything too personal, because he's male, because her trust in men is going to be well and truly shot and who can blame her, because perhaps she's willing to allow him in now, ready to trust him, but all the same, there's so much distance between them after the events of the last year, after the way he's treated her, that there's no way it would be fair to impose himself upon her as her carer for the next few days; of that, Ethan is convinced.

What has she ever done to deserve this?

Alicia sleeps, for a few hours. At first, Ethan had worried that the latest of the night's traumas would be all too much for her, that she would be overcome with paranoia, on edge, too panicked to sleep.

Perhaps she would have been, were she not so exhausted.

Either way, she sleeps; expression troubled, restless, but at least she sleeps.

Mrs Beauchamp arrives on the gynaecology ward an hour or so in, rather unfazed when Ethan tries to warn her off, informs her that Alicia is finally sleeping, overcome with protectiveness and half-afraid that the slightest commotion around her is going to rouse her, maybe even send her into a disorientated panic and she's been through enough for one night, for a lifetime, really; they need to just let her sleep.

"It's alright. I'm not here to see her, I actually wanted to talk to you," Mrs Beauchamp tells him, hovers 'sat the end of Alicia's bed.

"I'm on shift in… in just over an hour, now, couldn't this wait…"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I've arranged a locum to cover your shift today."

"That's going to cost a fortune, at this short notice…"

"Let me worry about that. I'll square it with Hansen, it's not a problem. You've been up here with her ever since you came off shift, I'm willing to bet you haven't slept, am I right? Exactly. So you're in no fit state to be working a twelve hour shift in an hour's time. You're not due on again until tomorrow morning now, am I right?" She waits for Ethan to nod. "So sit with her today, make sure you get some sleep tonight, and I'll expect you back on shift tomorrow morning."

He smiles gratefully, adjusts his grip on Alicia's hand, suddenly feels as though an ogromen weight has been lifted. "Thank you."

"It's quite alright. I'll come up to check on her later, once she's awake. We've held off informing next of kin…"

Ethan nods. "I'm going to talk to her about that again once she wakes up, she's adamant she doesn't want to go through it all with her mum, and I can completely understand that, I really can…" He thinks of his own diagnosis, the one he's kept largely under wraps for years, now, shudders a little. "But she's on track to be discharged before she's got proper mobility in one arm, let alone two, isn't she…"?

"Provided the first round of antibiotics is effective, yes," Mrs Beauchamp agrees. "Alright. Alright, I'll leave you to try to persuade her first, then." She heads towards the door, turns back, hesitates. "Oh, and Ethan? Please do try and get some rest."

If anything, he's even less inclined to sleep after that. He's no longer facing the prospect of having to struggle through a twelve-hour shift on no rest at all, and no that's no longer an issue, all of a sudden Alicia's needs seem all the more important.

She needs to feel safe. More than anything else, she just needs to feel safe, if he can just get her through the next few hours, ensure that she rests, compensates for the last forty-eight hours or however long it's been. She needs to sleep, she needs to give herself a chance to recover…

He'll worry about what happens come discharge, if she can't be convinced of her need to have someone with her over the next week or so, when it happens.

He knows her too well, that's the trouble. Ethan knows that it will be only with extreme reluctance and unwanted defeat that Alicia will cave and accept that she can't cope by herself, and on top of everything else, on top of the psychological trauma she must have been suffering with for the best part of two and a half months, now, the psychological trauma that perhaps he shouldn't second guess just yet but it all makes so much sense, it explains her erratic, destructive behaviour over the last few weeks, she's been struggling and she should never have had to, she should have felt she could have told someone…

She should have felt she could have told him.

Except she did feel she could tell him, she tried, and he blew it…

Shit…

Alicia stirs beside him, face contorts into pain.

"Alicia?" Ethan asks softly. "Alicia? You awake?"

He doesn't think she's heard him, at first. She doesn't seem to react; she's still for several moments, unresponsive, nothing save for gentle blinking and that pained expression to indicate that she's awoken at all.

And then she lets out a soft cry of pain, closes her eyes again, curls awkwardly into a ball on her side and her hands fly to her abdomen, bites her lip as though trying desperately to prevent herself from crying out any further.

"Alicia? Alicia, what's wrong?"

She shakes her head, eyes closed, makes no further attempt to acknowledge his presence at all.

"Are you in pain?" Ethan tries carefully, fights to ignore the panic rising within him.

Perhaps he should just find one of the gynaecologists and let them deal with it, but there's something about her reaction, something about her apparent determination to shut him out that tells him she's going to be equally reluctant to talk to the junior doctor who came to check on her earlier.

"Alicia? I can go and find someone on duty, sort you out with some tramadol?" Ethan suggests tentatively. "What do you think?"

He doesn't bother asking her to confirm his suspicions, because what would be the point? It's perfectly obvious what it is that's causing her so much pain; the warning signs have been there all along, but it's as though allowing herself to stop for a moment, to relax, let down the defences she's been relying on to cope for so long, has only exacerbated it all, caused her to appreciate just how much pain she really is in.

That, and he's blushing at the mere thought of it like a pathetic teenager, and it's ridiculous, he needs to pull himself together; just because it's Alicia…

Alicia shakes her head slowly, pained, refuses to meet his eyes.

"Alicia," Ethan sighs. "Come on. It's obvious you're in pain, the tramadol will fix that…"

"No, no, Ethan, please…"

"Alicia, this is silly," he tries. "You don't need to suffer with this, we can manage your pain better if you'll let us…"

"I don't want it." There's fear building in her voice now and she's squeezing his hand so hard Ethan's half expecting her to start cutting off the blood supply sooner rather than later. "I don't want it, please, I can't…"

"Why, Alicia?" Ethan presses. "Why not? Don't try and tell me the pain isn't that bad, I think it's pretty obvious it is. We can make this more manageable for you, it's only tramadol…"

He wants to believe that she's just shaken, only half-awake, doesn't understand that he wants to help her, but deep down, he knows that isn't it.

She didn't want the tramadol even before this, she made it perfectly clear from the moment she was brought in… when did they start her on morphine? In the ambulance, it must have been in the ambulance… did she only go along with that because she was too out of it to protest…

"I'm scared," Alicia whispers, blinks, eyes brimming with tears, childlike fear. "I can't, I can't… I'm scared…"

 **I am so sorry for the horrifically long delay! I have a number of excuses, the main one being that I was originally going to write this alongside series 33, but I gradually started to dislike the direction the writers were going in (and if my suspicions of the last few months are right, that is going to be even more true come next weekend!). I decided I wanted to deviate from the series 33 storyline and do my own thing with this to a point, but that left me completely confused as to what I actually wanted to do with this story. Not helped by the fact that I was living abroad September-November and had the December from hell! I am very very sorry, I hope you all don't hate me.**

 **I have a few ideas now as to what I want to do with this, but I'm yet to come up with a solid plan, and I also feel like I've completely forgotten how to write this story. So this chapter is a bit of an experiment, to see if 1) I still know how to write this and 2) if there is anyone still reading!**

 **If you do still want me to continue this, I would really, really appreciate you letting me know, either by review or DM, because I HATE this chapter and I'm in two minds about whether or not I actually know what I'm doing with this story anymore.**

 **I also have a new short** **multi-chapter Dante in the Midsts, which is set in between Atoms and Finding Avalon, just in case you're interested :)**

 **If you are still here, thank you! You are massively appreciated. And I hope you don't hate this chapter as much as I do.**

 **-IseultLaBelle x**


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